Nov. 7, 2025

Embodied Sovereignty: Healing, Ritual, and Reclamation with Rawiyah Tariq

Embodied Sovereignty: Healing, Ritual, and Reclamation with Rawiyah Tariq

Send us a text This week, we’re honored to sit down with the brilliant Rawiyah Tariq; a Black, fat, disabled, and neurodivergent artist, writer, and healer whose work reclaims space for marginalized bodies and spirits through ritual, storytelling, and embodiment. In this conversation, Rawiyah shares the wisdom behind their practice, A Sovereign Embodiment, and speaks candidly about navigating medical trauma, reclaiming pleasure through kink, and redefining beauty and power on their own terms...

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Season 4

Send us a text

This week, we’re honored to sit down with the brilliant Rawiyah Tariq; a Black, fat, disabled, and neurodivergent artist, writer, and healer whose work reclaims space for marginalized bodies and spirits through ritual, storytelling, and embodiment.

In this conversation, Rawiyah shares the wisdom behind their practice, A Sovereign Embodiment, and speaks candidly about navigating medical trauma, reclaiming pleasure through kink, and redefining beauty and power on their own terms.

Their story is one of survival, sovereignty, and softness, a reminder that liberation begins in the body.

We talk about:
✨ The spiritual and emotional layers of embodiment
✨ How medical trauma and fatphobia intersect
✨ Kink as a space of reclamation and healing
✨ The balance between ritual, magic, and practical self-care
✨ What it means to hold yourself, and others, through pain and pleasure

This episode is a tender, powerful reminder that healing isn’t linear; it’s embodied, sacred, and deeply human.


Connect with Rawiyah:
🌐 mammyisdead.com
📸 Instagram
📘 Facebook
💼 LinkedIn
🩵 Bluesky

Support the show

BigSexyChat.com appreciates you and our community. We do this for you, so if you ever have any ideas about a subject we can discuss for you, email us at bigsexychatpod@gmail.com.

You can find us on Facebook and Instagram as BigSexyChat.
Twitter (who knows how long we will stay there) is BigSexyChatPod

Check out our merch at www.BigSexyTees.com (credit to Toni Tails for setting this up for us!)

Chrystal also sells sex toys via her website BlissConnection.com and you can use the code BSC20 for 20% off.

Big thanks to our Sponsor Liberator Bedroom Adventures. We ADORE the products from Liberator. And, to be clear, we all loved their products even before they became a sponsor!

00:00 - Meet Rawiya: Artist And Healer

03:30 - From Tech To Burlesque And Fat Community

07:45 - Embodiment, Sovereignty, And Safety

13:20 - Touch, Trust, And Trauma-Informed Care

20:40 - Writing Mammy Is Dead And Smut

24:30 - Therapists, Somatics, And Liberation Work

30:10 - Heart Holding And Ritual Creation

36:40 - COVID Safety, Community, And Access

42:30 - Disordered Eating, ICU, And Recovery

50:20 - PCOS, Self-Advocacy, And Bias

WEBVTT

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Welcome back to Big Sexy Chat.

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Today we're putting the spotlight on Rawiwa Tarek, a black, fat, disabled, neurodivergent artist and kink aware professional whose roots run deep in the queer, polyamorous, and fat communities.

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Their work weaves magic, storytelling, and performance art as tools for liberation and healing, reclaiming space for marginalized bodies and spirits.

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Based in the Bay Area, they're growing a sovereign embodiment, a practice that brings heart, ritual, and body together in radical wholeness.

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Let's dive in.

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Hey, you made it! Ha!

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You're just in time for a little something juicy with crystal and myrph.

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Talking fat.

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Sex big feels hot takes and kicks.

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We're breaking all the rules, babe.

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What you think?

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It's big.

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Sexy share.

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Say it back down, big.

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Sexy share.

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Let's go.

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Hi, hi, hi.

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Hey there.

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Welcome back to Big Sexy Chat.

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My name is Crystal and I'm here with the fabulous Murph.

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Hi Murph.

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Hi.

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We have a wonderful guest today, a longtime friend of mine.

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I'm so excited to talk with them.

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Rabia, welcome, Rabia.

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Hi, everybody.

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Thank you so much for having me.

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It's so fun to see you, and it was so great to see you at fat joy.

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That was so amazing.

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I had such a good time there.

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It had been like at least five years or more since I'd seen you.

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Mm-hmm.

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At least.

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Well, and I just loved your hair.

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Like, talk about a standout statement.

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I kind of have a thing for bright colored hair.

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So I was like, who are they?

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Oh my God.

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Look at that hair.

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You know, we were raising money for the fat for NAFA.

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And I'm so excited that you bid on being on our podcast through the NAFA uh fundraiser.

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Thank you for that.

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Yeah.

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When I saw it as one of the opportunities to donate, I was like, oh, this is it.

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This is it.

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I haven't like talked to you in so long.

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Um, and I also wanted to contribute to the fundraiser.

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Thank you.

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So I saw it like last minute because I was there the I was there the day of.

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And when I saw it was mentioned, I was like, okay, let me figure it out.

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So the auction was just about to close.

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And I was like, oh shit.

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So I I went in and made my profile really quickly and like just barely squeaked in.

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So I was I was so jazzed to see that y'all had donated and that this was a possibility, um, an opportunity to connect with y'all.

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Yeah, and Marv, Rabia and I go back a good 20 years.

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Wow.

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Rabia used to work in tech and she worked with a friend of mine, my friend Don.

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And Don kept telling me, you have to meet this, this woman I work with.

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You you two have so much in common.

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And then I think we met online and then we met in person.

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I for some reason I feel like I met you at one of Tigris' events up in Oakland.

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Do you think is that a possibility?

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It's definitely a possibility because I was one of the full figure entertainment models for a little bit.

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That's right.

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That's right.

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She's so vital here in the Bay Area and she makes so many amazing connections.

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Mm-hmm.

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How did you meet Tigris?

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Um, I did I met Tigris through full figure entertainment.

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There was a I had just really moved to Oakland and I was doing uh burlesque and getting out into the world, and I saw this opportunity to be a full figure entertainment model.

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So I signed up and I had no idea, I had no idea what I was getting into or what it was about.

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Um I was just like, I'm fat, and here's all these fat, fabulous people doing things.

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I went to one of Tigris' events, I had a lot of fun, and I decided to run for it.

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So I submitted a bunch of pictures, said who I was, um, got my friends to vote for me, and I made it, I made it in.

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And I was partially surprised by how much support I had from the burlesque community.

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They're like, yeah, do it, do it.

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Uh and they they really encouraged me.

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And so I ended up uh becoming one of the models, and it was just a really great experience, a great connective experience.

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So that's how I met Tigris by being one of uh her uh fat ambassadors for this uh nightlife event.

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That's awesome.

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I I've always um loved when somebody just decides, you know what, I'm gonna put myself out there.

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I'm gonna see what happens.

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And when it ends up in this really positive result and you get to see like the support behind you, it's just like feels so liberating, you know?

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And so hearing that you got to have that experience, like jumping into modeling through burlesque, that's so cool.

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And it's so amazing that Tigris is in this position that she's in with Nafa because NAFA, I kind of knew about Nafa, but once Tigris got really involved, I was like, okay, I need to get more involved here.

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And oh, I just first of all, we just you know stinking love that woman, and she's so great, and she's such a great voice for all of us, and made me think of one time when um Denise Jolly was down here in South Bay.

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You know, Denise, I'm sure, right?

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Yes.

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Denise was the first person I ever heard talk about this thing that I had never really I always sort of felt, but I never knew how to put words on it.

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But she was telling this, she was being interviewed and on one for our TV show, whatever, and she was talking about how fat babes often are not in our bodies because we're sort of always on the um fight or flight.

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We're rarely just centered in our own bodies because we're all over the place trying to defend ourselves from the world.

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Is that kind of what you do now?

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Yes, that is a lot of what I do, and before the pandemic and becoming as disabled as I am now, I included massage and somatic work in that as well.

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And my basis for the business is that I feel like we would all be we would all have more ease if we were able to be embodied, and also if we were living an awareness that we are sovereign over our own bodies.

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Because the messaging that we get and what we have to face and fight against is all of this, all of this idea that we are not um, that we're not entitled to our bodies, and that goes like doubly, triply so if you are marginalized in any kind of way.

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So, my business is about acknowledging that and creating methods and ways for people to be able to come into their bodies and feel as safe as possible in their bodies and remind themselves that they are sovereign in their bodies.

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So that's that's basically it.

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Yeah, and I agree with Janish Dolly, like our we're not we're not as embodied as we could be because we are always on edge, waiting for someone to say something, come at us sideways, or people to, yeah, definitely wanting to like fight, be ready, stay ready.

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Like if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.

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And I have lived a lot of my life in that way, and I needed to have a more easeful way of existence.

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So my work and my calling is to create that uh medicine, and it and it has to pass through me first before I give it out to anyone else.

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So I've had a lot of existential crises.

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And uh and yeah, and I turned that into medicine and I dispense that medicine to other people.

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I remember when you were doing a lot of massage.

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That's when I think I came to know you.

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It was about that era of your life.

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I really loved it.

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My um, my massage business focused on elder community, uh, fat community, uh, disabled community, as well as I I worked on quite a few people who were transitioning from life as well.

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So holding space for that too was very powerful.

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So I worked a lot with people who were not experiencing a lot of touch.

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And I feel like people trusted me because I was in or I am in a fat body, a fat marginalized body.

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So people were like, oh, they get it.

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They know what it's like.

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So there was this level of uh trust there.

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I explained this to my partner.

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Why do people tell me everything?

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Why do people tell me about their sex life?

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Why do they people tell me their deepest, deepest, darkest secrets on like my table?

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And I said, I my guess is that I'm a fat woman.

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And in their mind, that's I'm not um a threat, possibly, or that I'm maternal, and that they think maybe if I was a thinner bodied person, maybe maybe they wouldn't have that same feeling towards me.

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I don't know, but that's just a the feeling I get.

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I don't is that how you kind of feel as well?

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Oh, I definitely feel that way, especially being a fat black woman.

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Um, also a flat, fat, black, non-b-binary person, but I definitely am femme.

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So people read me as uh as woman.

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So it's it's definitely a thing.

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So much so that I'm writing a book about the demammification of the fat black body.

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Um, because I end up either uh doing a lot of activism work or holding a space or creating a space, and definitely people talking to me about every single thing that's going on in their life, especially when I was a massage therapist.

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Oh, yeah.

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They they would just like spill.

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And I I think because I also sell sex stories and I have since like 2003.

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People think they can talk to me about anything.

00:10:36.399 --> 00:10:41.519
But um, were you I I thought I remember, did you have a handle before that was Mammy is dead?

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Yes, my handle uh is Mammy is dead.

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It's still Mammy is dead in a lot of places, yeah.

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But yeah, yeah, and that's gonna be the name of the book is Mammy Is Dead.

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So I'm writing that book, but I'm also writing a lot of smut to balance out my brain.

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I like that.

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That's a good, that's a good need, balancing out between the sexy part and the part that you gotta get rid of.

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Um I just appreciate, you know, um, in my field, somatic experiences really starting to get tied in with uh psychotherapy and the people that have been doing it for a really long time and recognize those things.

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There's just a level of comfortability that you can provide in that space without having the quote unquote licensure aspect of it that can be really scary to people.

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And so I just I want to say thank you for for providing that space for people and also recognize like the work that you've been doing is now starting to really impact my career field and other, you know, other folks that are trying to do healing and really incorporate that holistic whole body approach, where I think, you know, they tell us as therapists, like, don't hug your client and like don't pat them on the arm or like you're not supposed to have any, and that can be so healing.

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And so to have someone who recognizes, you know, there there's a need for so many marginalized people along with that somatic experience, it's just I it's really incredible.

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So I just want to, you know, say thank you.

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Oh yeah, it's I actually worked on a lot of therapists and had those therapists send their clients to me.

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So it I through working with those therapists, I started looking at how my practice could be more trauma informed.

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And that changed some of how I did my work.

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And yeah, and when the therapists started sending me their clients, I was just like, you're right.

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That's like super high regard because it's like when you're helping the healers and the healers can send extra people, it's like, yeah, you're like the ultimate healer.

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I always think of it like the boss, right?

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When somebody can like therapise the therapist, it's it's yeah, that's great.

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So, like you mentioned, you know, when when folks are marginalized, it you can't, you don't feel as comfortable going and looking for services like that because you are always on the defense and you always have to think of like, you know, when I go see a medical practitioner, like what am I gonna experience?

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And so having those things really laid out, like I love the the caption on your website, you know, where it's just talking about these are the people I serve, like really recognizing this group of people.

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That's that's so important when you get to see, oh, like I'm one of these people that's listed as one of like the top people.

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Like I always trust a practitioner far more when I see something like that straight out the gate.

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Yeah, and the the place we set up, because I was working with two other practitioners, we made sure to have books on our shelves that embrace like body liberation, um issues for that uh affect uh queer and trans people, um, people of color.

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We had paintings all over the walls with like bigger bodies on them and things like that.

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So it was very like sometimes like when I got an able-bodied thin person would come in through the door, they would look around, and one of the things they would ask me is like, is it okay for me to be here?

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And I'm like, Oh yes, sweetie, it is.

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And inwardly I'm going, like, I did my job right.

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I did my job right.

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I did my job right.

00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:26.080
Yep.

00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:27.600
So what are you doing these days?

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How are you?

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I know you're healing, you're getting better.

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I know we had a few years there where we were just we were all praying for you all the time, worrying about you, and just it's that's why I was so happy to see you at Fat Joy for a million reasons.

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But you are just you are Fat Joy.

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So what's up these days?

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Are you able to do a lot of counseling and therapy or uh what do you call it, sessions?

00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:51.120
I guess you probably call it.

00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:53.200
Yeah, it's it's heart holding sessions.

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Heart holding.

00:14:54.240 --> 00:15:04.399
So I've done a few heart holding sessions, and it's surprising because I also get therapists coming for heart holding sessions too, where I just sit and hold space.

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I ask that they want to exchange ideas or thought partners on stuff, and we talk about that, but it's mostly like holding space for people and helping them create rituals.

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So I listen to them and they tell me what's going on in their life, and we together formulate some uh rituals that are somatic or witchy in order to help embody them and to bring whatever they're dealing with in their heart out in a way that they can express it into the world and make it um something tangible that they can hold on to and work with.

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So I'm I'm doing that.

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I'm also about to start up my workshops again, which are all witchy, all about embodiment.

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I have one that talks about ecstasy as spell work, so reaching and achieving like this intimate climax with yourself or with others, and how you can use that to empower your work and empower your life.

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I have several about boundaries and how to navigate in this world right now that is so uh disjointed and disconnected and dealing with so much pain, and how we can protect ourselves from it while still moving with an open heart.

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So I'm about to start up my workshops again, of which I have a lot.

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Um, I also do tarot card readings and things like that.

00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:41.759
So a lot of like witchy work, but I think the most rewarding aspect that I do is helping people create rituals and practices around their life that are accessible and that help them feel embodied in themselves.

00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:44.480
So that's what I'm doing with my business.

00:16:44.639 --> 00:16:47.120
Um, I'm also writing a lot.

00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:49.279
That's great that you have so much energy.

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You're like you're back.

00:16:50.320 --> 00:16:52.000
You're it feels like you're back.

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I am.

00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:54.159
I am.

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I almost died like three times.

00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:58.559
So it's like it was tenuous.

00:16:58.799 --> 00:17:00.320
It was whoo, let me tell you.

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We were just like sweating it big time.

00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:04.400
We were all so worried.

00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:13.680
Um, the two people that were gonna do sort of witchy things at Fat Joy were Mari, you might know her, the uh entertainer who was gonna do some go-go dancing.

00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:14.799
She's also witchy.

00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:22.319
And then another woman was coming up from the Fresno area, and she's gonna have a table with all her witchy goodies, and they both couldn't make it.

00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:24.880
And it was like, oh, we lost that whole aspect that day.

00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:30.160
So hopefully you can maybe you can do some witchy stuff um at the next Fat Joy in April.

00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:32.319
And then I think it was really cool.

00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:34.640
Nobody bothered us about wearing a mask all the time.

00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:37.920
I think everybody had a mask on the whole time, unless we were trying to speak.

00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:43.759
It was like I felt I wanted to be a very safe space for everybody that wanna have a super spreader event.

00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:46.240
You you did a good job of it.

00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:52.880
And I felt so comfortable there, and I was able to hug people too because they were wearing masks.

00:17:53.119 --> 00:18:07.920
And as someone who lives a very COVID-conscious lifestyle, it's been one of the things I missed the most is physical contact and being able to be in spaces with other people because I'm so immunocompromised right now.

00:18:08.240 --> 00:18:11.279
And you provided a space where I could do that.

00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:23.359
And I went home and I cried because I was so heavily affected by the space that you created that allowed me to have that touch with other people that I have been missing for so long.

00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:26.160
So I'm really grateful to you for that.

00:18:26.400 --> 00:18:32.559
And uh, and yeah, I'll I'll come do some readings and tarot card stuff at the next event.

00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:35.920
Um, that would be that would be an honor and a joy for me.

00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:47.759
But more than that, just being able to be in that space again with people who are conscious about protecting other people uh was just it was so lovely.

00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:49.119
So so much appreciation.

00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:52.960
Sarah Redmond, because she's also very COVID conscious, she has long COVID.

00:18:53.519 --> 00:18:57.839
And um, I saw she said, I felt hung over the next day.

00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:00.079
It's cute.

00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:05.039
It was so lovely to see her too, because I know she doesn't really, she has to be extra careful as well.

00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:07.920
And um, so do you have long COVID?

00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:11.119
No, I do not have long okay.

00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:12.480
How about a bunch of other stuff?

00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:15.519
I had a bunch of other stuff happen at the beginning of the pandemic.

00:19:15.680 --> 00:19:24.000
So I guess a content warning for some people, but eating disorder or disorder eating, uh I'm about to talk about really quickly.

00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:25.920
Uh is that okay?

00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:27.039
Absolutely.

00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:27.680
Okay.

00:19:28.559 --> 00:19:41.279
So I had had really bad disordered eating where I was restricting my intake and I didn't even realize that I was doing it at all.

00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:44.880
And it was right before the beginning of the the pandemic.

00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:49.119
And I had just moved in with Bertha, who we love.

00:19:49.519 --> 00:19:50.240
I stand.

00:19:51.039 --> 00:20:02.160
Um, so Bertha had noticed for a while that I wasn't really, I think, like that I would always come over and then I would leave leftovers in her refrigerator.

00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:04.720
She's like, you don't like to eat leftovers.

00:20:04.799 --> 00:20:06.720
And my brain is like, I'm fine with leftovers.

00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:08.240
I ain't bougie like that.

00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:11.359
Uh, but it but I just turned out I just wasn't eating.

00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:20.319
So one day I started to feel so sick and I wasn't able to swallow and no food was passing through me.

00:20:20.480 --> 00:20:29.039
And I went to the doctors and went to the ER at the height of COVID, and they said, Oh, your blood sugar is like over 700.

00:20:29.599 --> 00:20:34.079
Um, and they gave me insulin and put me on a bag.

00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:39.759
They weighed me, and I weighed far less than I normally weighed before.

00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:43.920
Um, and they told me, like, you really have to watch what you're eating.

00:20:44.079 --> 00:20:48.640
And then I thought back and I'm like, but I'm not eating.

00:20:49.279 --> 00:21:01.200
And so, but and so I almost killed myself by not eating, like my blood sugar was going higher and higher because I wasn't eating, not because of what I was eating.

00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:09.680
Uh, because I was even taking, I believe at that point I was even taking medicine because I had I have polycystic ovarian syndrome as well.

00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:18.480
So for to hear the doctor say you need to be careful what you're eating, when I wasn't eating was was really hard for me.

00:21:18.799 --> 00:21:28.160
And then uh I did end up talking to another provider who looked at me and said, Yeah, let's run some tests.

00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:30.480
You say you weren't eating, I believe you.

00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:40.480
And we found that uh that I had developed osteoporosis in my spine because my body was eating itself because I wasn't eating.

00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:49.279
And so when I went to doctors, then being like, I have um, they call it atypical anorexia, anorexia noversa.

00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:52.720
Uh, just because you're in a fat body, they're like, oh, it's atypical.

00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:54.960
Um, it's such bullshit.

00:21:55.039 --> 00:21:56.400
Yeah, it's it's such bullshit.

00:21:56.640 --> 00:21:57.440
It's anorexia.

00:21:57.519 --> 00:21:58.000
It's full.

00:21:58.400 --> 00:21:59.519
It's anorexia.

00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:00.400
Yep.

00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:08.799
And so I struggled with that and I struggled to eat, and it took me like uh maybe a month before I was able to eat.

00:22:08.880 --> 00:22:10.240
Each bite was a struggle.

00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:12.400
Thank goodness for Bertha and Michelle.

00:22:12.559 --> 00:22:15.920
Uh, they fed me, they talked me through it.

00:22:16.079 --> 00:22:25.599
Someone sat with me for every meal because my blood sugar went so high, like my vision went away, and I had to deal with that as well.

00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:28.240
So that was the first situation I healed from that.

00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:32.480
And then the second situation, I had pulmonary embolisms.

00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:40.960
So I had blood clots in my lungs, and I was in the ICU for like still during COVID, the height of COVID.

00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:44.480
It was four months after the other thing.

00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:51.599
And so I was in the hospital for blood clots in my lungs, and then it's I was on bed rest for a year.

00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:53.359
I wasn't able to move.

00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:57.599
And so I lost a lot of strength and lost a lot of muscle mass.

00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:04.240
And so that really deepened um my physical ability.

00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:06.400
I'm still recovering from that.

00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:15.440
And then when I went into then I went into the hospital because I was on Ozimbic, not for weight loss, for um blood sugar.

00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:16.799
For blood sugar.

00:23:17.039 --> 00:23:20.240
And then they people started using it for weight loss.

00:23:20.480 --> 00:23:29.039
So we ran out of the Ozimbic, so they switched me to a medicine called truly, and that had a horrible poisonous effect on my system.

00:23:29.279 --> 00:23:33.680
So we went to the ER constantly because I was in withdrawal from it.

00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:41.599
And the one time I was in there, they gave me, injected me with something, and my heart rate went out of control.

00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:45.759
And there were several doctors and they're trying to figure out what to do.

00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:49.440
And Bertha's holding my hand, it's like, don't you close your eyes?

00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:50.640
Don't you close your eyes?

00:23:50.960 --> 00:23:52.160
Plus Bertha and Michelle.

00:23:52.319 --> 00:23:56.240
I know you get shitty, tri shitty, shitty treatment when you go to the doctor when you're in a fat body.

00:23:56.319 --> 00:24:01.759
And then I know they treat black women especially like shit because they don't believe your pain levels, right?

00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:04.160
They don't believe anything you have to say and they don't believe your diet.

00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:11.839
And also, when your blood sugar is all over the place, I'm sure your emotions must have been all over the place because that that can really make you very depressed.

00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:14.319
Your blood sugar is high and low, high and low.

00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:19.680
It could be hard to keep it anywhere or sort of just like in an even keel.

00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:21.839
Yeah, it it really was.

00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:44.960
It it may it also increased my whole desire to not eat because there was a control issue that came with my anorexia, as well as the trauma of having a fat mother who didn't like love or appreciate her body and demonized her body and also demonized mine.

00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:59.680
So there was a lot of like trauma and control issues, and then you add in trying to balance out blood sugar, and that made me feel as if I my whole life was out of was out of control.

00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:04.559
So I spent a lot of time with severe anxiety, severe impress depression.

00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:05.519
Depression, yeah.

00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:08.240
Yeah, and then we found out that I'm bipolar.

00:25:08.480 --> 00:25:09.599
That also happened.

00:25:09.759 --> 00:25:16.480
I got diagnosed with bipolar uh during that during those years as well.

00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:19.359
So it it has been a whirlwind.

00:25:19.519 --> 00:25:21.039
It has been a complete whirlwind.

00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:22.559
When did you get diagnosed with PCOS?

00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:24.319
How long were you aware that you had PCOS?

00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:26.000
Well, I diagnosed myself.

00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:29.119
And then a doctor diagnosed me.

00:25:29.200 --> 00:25:35.440
But I was I was maybe like 19 and I was living in Colorado Springs.

00:25:35.599 --> 00:25:46.880
I had moved up to Colorado Springs with my um half-sister, and I noticed all these symptoms, like my period had gone away, like I was growing hair in places I didn't normally have hair.

00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:51.440
Um, and I just didn't feel well.

00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:56.319
And I kept, and doctors kept telling me, oh, you need to lose weight.

00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:02.240
But at that point, I was maybe like wearing a size 14 or something like that.

00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:09.359
And I'm like, I know people who are my size and larger than me who still have a regular period.

00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:10.880
Like, this is weird.

00:26:11.039 --> 00:26:16.079
So I started looking up a bunch of stuff, and I was like, oh, look at the symptoms.

00:26:16.160 --> 00:26:18.559
And it was either cushions or PCOS.

00:26:19.519 --> 00:26:25.359
So I started looking more into PCOS, and I was like, okay, I have this.

00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:41.759
So I printed up a hundred-page paper on PCOS about what it was, how it affects the body, and how you test for it and what those results look like when you test for it, out of all the research that I had done.

00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:50.319
And I brought this to my doctor and I slammed it on his uh on the exam table and I was like, I have PCOS, and this is we need to test for this.

00:26:50.559 --> 00:26:54.720
And he tested for it, and he's like, You do have PCOS.

00:26:54.880 --> 00:26:57.039
I'm not really familiar with PCOS.

00:26:57.200 --> 00:26:59.920
I think some of my other patients have PCOS.

00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:01.599
May I keep your research?

00:27:02.720 --> 00:27:07.599
And so then we started treating the PCOS.

00:27:08.079 --> 00:27:14.799
But one of the main medications they use for PCOS is metformin, which makes you really, really sick.

00:27:15.039 --> 00:27:24.960
And no one told me until I was like until I was like 38 that you're supposed to take it with food.

00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:30.640
Like, and I should have really, really looked at the bottle, didn't say you should take it with food all the time.

00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:34.880
It doesn't say like you should take this food with medication, at least where I was getting it from.

00:27:35.119 --> 00:27:39.119
But I was getting really sick, and no one talked to me about how sick it makes you.

00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:44.079
And when I talked, I so I went off of it because it was making me feel horrible.

00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:52.480
And then later in life I got back on it, and the woman who like prescribed it to me was like, I said it makes me really sick, and it triggers my eating disorders.

00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:57.519
And she said, basically said, um, oh good, you lose a little bit of weight.

00:27:57.680 --> 00:28:03.119
Yeah, shitting out your brains is wonderful for your morale and your mental health.

00:28:03.440 --> 00:28:04.079
Right.

00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:05.279
Right.

00:28:05.519 --> 00:28:05.759
Yeah.

00:28:05.920 --> 00:28:11.680
So yeah, so I diagnosed myself with PCOS, and then the doctor officially diagnosed me.

00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:13.680
Um, and then I got scared of it.

00:28:13.839 --> 00:28:16.160
I got scared of all of the research I had done.

00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:19.839
So then I live my life in a way of where I'm like, let's just ignore it.

00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:22.960
Everything's fine, everything's great.

00:28:23.279 --> 00:28:33.279
Uh but yeah, now I'm like, oh, I have to really take care of myself and take care of my body that I have and do the work.

00:28:33.599 --> 00:28:36.240
Roof, do you have officially diagnosed uh PCOS?

00:28:36.640 --> 00:28:36.799
Yeah.

00:28:37.039 --> 00:28:37.599
You do, okay.

00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:38.400
Yeah, yeah.

00:28:39.039 --> 00:28:39.680
Very similar.

00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:47.279
Like um mine, uh, I didn't do all the research, um, which I'm I'm glad you did that and that your doctor listened.

00:28:47.839 --> 00:28:50.000
That's you know, a rare thing.

00:28:50.319 --> 00:28:58.880
Um, yeah, when I was a teenager, um I was um having really, really, really heavy periods and just horrible, horrible pain.

00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:06.960
And so they went in and did um ultrasounds and found I had like a grapefruit-sized ovarian cyst.

00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:15.839
And um they were like, Well we we might have to do surgery, um, you know, because they don't want it to rupture and those types of things.

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:39.759
But um they put me on all types of different birth control pills and trying to get it regulated and the metaphor, and it's just it's been one thing after another, and you're right, like you just kind of have to pay attention to your own triggers and um be mindful of like how you're taking care of your body because it's just it's different for everybody, but those similarities are are you know severe.

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:47.200
Not everybody has that sort of response to it, but the majority of people have yeah, have a response where they're they retain weight.

00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:47.839
Yeah, definitely.

00:29:48.079 --> 00:29:59.759
One of the things I found that in my research that was interesting is that uh PCOS effects is affecting more uh um AFAB people, yeah, and black.

00:30:00.240 --> 00:30:05.839
Women and there's an evolutionary thing, a tie attached to it, which is very interesting.

00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:15.119
And it's like our bodies are made, people with PCOS, their bodies are made to withstand um famine.

00:30:16.559 --> 00:30:34.000
So our bodies hold on to uh fat and energy in order to still be able to reproduce or you know keep the human race going when there's times of less, when there's times of starvation and famine.

00:30:35.519 --> 00:30:44.160
And the testosterone ensures that like we're strong as well, because it comes with increased testosterone too.

00:30:44.720 --> 00:31:05.680
So the the things that we are taking in often in this society, like the things, and I'm not just I'm not just talking about food, I'm talking about the stress and the pollution around us, uh, really affects and throws off our systems, like polluted water, polluted air, like stressful environments, all the not being able to sleep right.

00:31:05.839 --> 00:31:22.000
Like the modern like world, existing in this modern world has caused a lot of damage to PCOS bodies, but evolutionary, it's because of people with PCOS that we've been able to continue on during difficult times.

00:31:22.079 --> 00:31:24.000
And I found that completely fascinating.

00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:25.680
It's a it's mind-blowing, isn't it?

00:31:25.839 --> 00:31:37.200
I I read 10.5% of black women have PCOS, around 7% of Latina women have PCOS, and then about 4% of Caucasian women have PCOS.

00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:44.000
But nobody knows is that because better diagnosis, medical care, or just not getting good medical care.

00:31:44.079 --> 00:31:48.880
And nobody who knows, we don't know why the difference is so so large.

00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:50.319
But I believe that.

00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:52.640
And yeah, yeah, it does make us stronger.

00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:57.519
I I try to tell my clients, you know, cortisol can make us very hairy.

00:31:57.759 --> 00:32:02.000
Trying to limit the stress in your life can really um increase and increase your hair growth.

00:32:02.160 --> 00:32:05.119
But right now, the whole frickin' world is so stressful.

00:32:05.279 --> 00:32:07.440
It's like, you how can I not be hairy?

00:32:07.599 --> 00:32:11.039
It's like every day is another, you know, holy shit.

00:32:11.359 --> 00:32:19.119
And I was just telling my girlfriends on Friday night, people need to go into therapy, people need to become therapists because we're all being so traumatized right now.

00:32:19.279 --> 00:32:28.559
There's gonna be a huge market for therapists in the next 10 years because holy shit, we all need we're all gonna need if we survive this, when we survive this, we're gonna need a lot of therapists.

00:32:29.200 --> 00:32:33.039
Yeah, I I believe I co-sign 100%.

00:32:33.519 --> 00:32:36.000
Um can work with you via Zoom, can't they?

00:32:36.319 --> 00:32:50.319
Yes, I do all of my sessions uh via Zoom so people can work with me uh from all across the country if they want to, and from the comfort of their own home as well.

00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:55.039
Does that include uh tarot readings and and okay, great?

00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:56.559
All of all of my services.

00:32:56.640 --> 00:33:10.799
I was a little, I only used to do tarot readings in person because I thought, oh, you can't connect like that energy over distance, but I found out, oh, you can't you definitely can, and it's not that hard.

00:33:11.039 --> 00:33:14.720
And yeah, so I do the tarot readings as well.

00:33:15.119 --> 00:33:15.759
Nice.

00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:18.000
Do you find that people come to you?

00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:36.400
Is there like a vertical of things that a lot of people come to you for this similar thing, or is it pretty much all kinds of different things going on in their lives, or do you feel like you just you get a lot of fat babes or a lot of queer babes, or a lot of is there one like specialty that you feel like you you seem to treat more or help more?

00:33:36.799 --> 00:33:39.359
I feel like I help queer people the most.

00:33:40.160 --> 00:33:47.519
Um I do a lot of the sovereign embodiment work is also really tied into liberation work.

00:33:48.400 --> 00:34:05.519
And I see a lot more uh queer people being drawn to liberation work uh in a in a holistic way that deals with body, politics, um, abolition, uh, all this, all these other things.

00:34:05.680 --> 00:34:09.599
So I get a lot of queer folk coming to me often.

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:11.199
That's fantastic.

00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:30.159
I um I'm curious with the work that you've done previously with the massage and those types of things, are there things that you can teach people to do that they can do for themselves to help regulate that anxiety or that um, you know, whatever it is that they're feeling and kind of managing that?

00:34:30.639 --> 00:34:35.840
Yeah, there's certain like pressure points that I can talk about um in session.

00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:38.800
There are breathing techniques.

00:34:39.119 --> 00:34:44.719
Uh, and then there's basically permission.

00:34:44.960 --> 00:34:53.119
Like I find like a lot of it has been giving people permission to have access to tools they already have.

00:34:53.760 --> 00:35:11.360
Uh, give them permission to breathe or to stop or to take account in what are what's going on in their life, and to remember to factor in that they are a human being living in horrific times.

00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:23.119
Uh, and be and I feel like a lot of people are uh caught up in productivity because, you know, like the world's burning, but we still have the clock in at work.

00:35:24.159 --> 00:35:45.920
So we there's not a lot of time or uh encouragement to remember that you are functioning or trying to function uh while you are carrying the the experiences that you are experiencing right now.

00:35:46.239 --> 00:36:03.840
So a lot of it is permission to break down for a moment and holding a container for the other person to break down in or giving them resources uh and rituals that they can have so they can feel safe breaking down.

00:36:04.159 --> 00:36:05.280
Can you say more about the rituals?

00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:08.480
Because I was just gonna ask you about that, because that's something you can send people home with, right?

00:36:08.559 --> 00:36:12.880
Is a ritual that helps them to get back in their body.

00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:26.880
Well, one of the one of the things that are are very simple, and it's not really like a ritual, but it it is something that because each ritual is tailored for the person uh that I talk and I that I speak with.

00:36:27.119 --> 00:36:33.360
But one of the things I do for people to remind themselves, because often during times like these, you can't forget who you are.

00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:39.760
Uh, I ask people to go to their friends if they have friends.

00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:47.519
Some people don't remember that they have friends, and some people really are really cut off and don't have connections like this.

00:36:47.840 --> 00:37:07.119
But if you have these connections, to have them write you a letter, and it can be something that they email or something that they text, and then I want them to take all these little messages and put them in the envelope and write on it, this is the truth of yourself.

00:37:08.400 --> 00:37:18.079
So that whenever they need to go back, they can open that envelope when they forget and put that envelope somewhere they can see that they need to remember who they are when they get lost.

00:37:18.320 --> 00:37:23.280
And you can also do this by writing notes just to yourself as well.

00:37:23.599 --> 00:37:40.559
Uh, there's also rituals like uh when you bathe yourself um getting out of bed and getting out of the shower and laying on your bed completely naked, uh, all yourself up and then eat something.

00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:59.840
Like either it could be like a little bit of orange or put some honey on your tongue to remind yourself of sweetness or some chocolate, but just to like lay there naked, letting your skin soak up deliciousness and to eat something delicious, like just to remind yourself of how lovely you are and how much you deserve.

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:01.119
Let's see, what else off?

00:38:01.519 --> 00:38:04.400
There's so many, but my brain is like, what off the top of my face?

00:38:04.559 --> 00:38:05.840
Those are great, those are wonderful.

00:38:06.159 --> 00:38:06.880
Thank you.

00:38:07.199 --> 00:38:08.719
Really beautiful.

00:38:09.599 --> 00:38:12.800
So you're not you're not doing massage at all anymore, right?

00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:14.079
You that's over for you.

00:38:14.400 --> 00:38:18.639
That's over for me right now until I can figure out a way to do it safely.

00:38:18.960 --> 00:38:26.960
Because when I did massage, I would always drop my table really low and I would do it seated to support my body.

00:38:27.199 --> 00:38:33.199
Uh, so I would stand up occasionally, but a lot of it was done seated because you know, strong, strong like bull.

00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:38.079
Uh so I would uh do it seated.

00:38:38.239 --> 00:38:45.519
So it's not that far of a thing for me to be able to do it seated, but I also need to make sure that I'm doing it as safely as possible.

00:38:45.760 --> 00:38:48.079
And I haven't figured that part out yet.

00:38:48.239 --> 00:38:51.519
And I need my body to heal a little bit more, but I don't think I'm done with it.

00:38:51.599 --> 00:38:53.440
I'm gonna find a way, trust and believe.

00:38:54.159 --> 00:38:55.360
I do, I trust, I believe.

00:38:55.519 --> 00:39:02.960
Do you think also then you might go back to exploring more of your uh kinky side when your body's more able to do that?

00:39:03.119 --> 00:39:04.159
Oh, yes, yes.

00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:05.760
Oh, hell yeah.

00:39:05.920 --> 00:39:06.960
Yeah, yeah.

00:39:07.039 --> 00:39:08.000
You were quite involved.

00:39:08.159 --> 00:39:11.920
You were like really involved with the leather uh world, right?

00:39:12.239 --> 00:39:14.880
Yes, I was really involved in the leather world.

00:39:15.039 --> 00:39:17.039
Um, I had a whole leather family.

00:39:17.199 --> 00:39:18.320
I went to a place.

00:39:18.480 --> 00:39:22.320
Actually, in in the South Bay, there used to be a place called Edges.

00:39:22.480 --> 00:39:23.199
I know, yeah.

00:39:23.440 --> 00:39:30.000
Which was I was there almost I was there almost every weekend, having my best life.

00:39:30.320 --> 00:39:33.840
And kink was the first step to getting me embodied.

00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:37.920
Kink was I know.

00:39:38.079 --> 00:39:39.119
Oh my god, I love this.

00:39:39.360 --> 00:39:47.119
We talk about we talk about quite often on our show because I noticed that kinky people are very body um open.

00:39:47.280 --> 00:39:49.599
Their minds are open to different body types.

00:39:49.760 --> 00:39:57.679
And even though I know there's a lot of creepy people in the kink, can be a lot of cinky people, some kinky people, gosh, creepy people in the kink world.

00:39:57.760 --> 00:39:58.559
It's hard to say.

00:39:58.719 --> 00:40:01.119
So you have to watch out for those fake DOMs or whatever.

00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:12.480
But I would often tell people at my store, you know, start exploring the kink world because you'll find there's a lot of people are a lot more open to body types and different body types in that world because they if you're into their kink, they're into you.

00:40:13.199 --> 00:40:14.880
That is very true.

00:40:15.119 --> 00:40:26.559
I before I started kink, I would be, I would definitely be shy about approaching people or distrustful that someone would find me attractive.

00:40:26.800 --> 00:40:33.039
And then when I started kink, I was like, oh no, I'm sexy and I know it, and I'm bringing it back, and this is great.

00:40:33.199 --> 00:40:42.159
And I think the first the first time I went to a uh a dungeon, I uh I went with a friend.

00:40:42.320 --> 00:40:50.239
We had just done the vagina monologues, and she was like, Okay, you played the moaner, so now you did a good job.

00:40:50.320 --> 00:40:52.639
So now you need to see what this is like for real.

00:40:52.880 --> 00:40:58.719
And I went with her, and it was a Halloween event, I believe.

00:40:58.960 --> 00:41:00.320
It was a Halloween event.

00:41:00.480 --> 00:41:07.920
But anyway, I was feeling so nervous about everything that she's like, I'm gonna put you in this cage.

00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:11.119
Um, and it was like a humongous bird cage.

00:41:11.280 --> 00:41:17.280
It's like I'm gonna put you in this cage and let you watch everything, and I'm gonna go like pour hot wax on this guy.

00:41:17.440 --> 00:41:19.039
And I'm like, okay, great.

00:41:19.119 --> 00:41:19.760
That sounds great.

00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:22.639
She's like, no one's gonna touch you because you're in the cage.

00:41:22.800 --> 00:41:29.760
And so I got in the cage and I'm watching everybody, and I see all these different bodies, all different ages.

00:41:30.079 --> 00:41:42.800
Everybody was playing with each other across like gender lines, across like age lines, across like like like racial lines, like everybody was just being weird with each other all over the place.

00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:43.840
It was delightful.

00:41:44.239 --> 00:41:56.159
And I go and and then I I noticed someone looking at me while I'm in a cage, and I'm like, and I'm so and they were looking at me in this really desirous way.

00:41:56.559 --> 00:41:59.280
And I was like, oh shit, what do I do?

00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:02.639
So I instantly try to run away, but I can't because I'm in a cage.

00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:13.280
So I try to get out of the cage, but it's designed so you can't get out of it by yourself, and it starts to tip over so slowly, and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna die.

00:42:13.679 --> 00:42:20.000
And he runs up and he grabs the cage and he stabilizes it and he offers me a handout.

00:42:20.079 --> 00:42:22.559
And and then we dated for 10 years.

00:42:23.440 --> 00:42:25.280
Wow, fantastic.

00:42:25.519 --> 00:42:28.559
Yeah, how many times did you go back to that dungeon together?

00:42:29.440 --> 00:42:30.639
Oh, all the time.

00:42:30.800 --> 00:42:32.320
All the time.

00:42:32.480 --> 00:42:36.400
Um, he bought me a membership to the dungeon.

00:42:36.480 --> 00:42:37.599
He's like, Would you like to come back?

00:42:37.679 --> 00:42:39.840
And I was like, Yeah, he's like, Would you like to come back next week?

00:42:39.920 --> 00:42:41.599
And I'm like, Yeah, I would.

00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:43.360
And he's like, Okay, it's a date.

00:42:43.440 --> 00:42:45.599
And then I'm like, Okay, great, it's a date.

00:42:45.760 --> 00:42:49.039
And I came back and I tried to pay for it, and they're like, Oh, you're a member.

00:42:49.119 --> 00:42:50.559
And I'm like, What?

00:42:51.280 --> 00:43:00.960
There's something so powerful about having somebody look at you like you're the freaking most amazing, juicy pork chop they're ever gonna eat, you know, like they just have to have you.

00:43:01.119 --> 00:43:04.320
It's like, oh, I wish all fat people could have that experience.

00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:07.119
Every person deserves that experience, right?

00:43:07.280 --> 00:43:09.039
Everybody, absolutely.

00:43:09.360 --> 00:43:22.559
I had a lot of that experience while I was dancing burlesque, and it it took a while for me because I didn't believe how people were looking at me, and I thought, oh, and they were like, Oh my god, you're gorgeous.

00:43:22.719 --> 00:43:26.239
And I would say, Oh, I'm not gorgeous, I'm just powerful.

00:43:26.480 --> 00:43:30.320
Like you're seeing my power, and it's translating to you as beauty.

00:43:30.559 --> 00:43:45.920
And then later over the years, I was like, No, I'm I'm beautiful and I'm powerful, and I had to find that beauty in my own body, and so doing the runway for you, Crystal, was always part of that.

00:43:46.079 --> 00:43:49.920
Like, I'm beautiful as well as powerful.

00:43:50.159 --> 00:43:52.480
So that was that was lovely.

00:43:52.800 --> 00:43:54.079
You're both, absolutely.

00:43:54.239 --> 00:43:56.159
Do you know about FatCon in Seattle?

00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:57.760
Do you know Pucks in that group?

00:43:58.000 --> 00:44:00.719
Um, I know Pucks through Burlesque community.

00:44:00.880 --> 00:44:02.880
I'm sharing a lot of between all those.

00:44:03.519 --> 00:44:04.400
Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:44:04.960 --> 00:44:05.599
Oh my god.

00:44:05.840 --> 00:44:06.159
I know.

00:44:06.320 --> 00:44:06.960
Amazing.

00:44:07.199 --> 00:44:08.079
Mm-hmm.

00:44:08.719 --> 00:44:12.639
So I I know I know them through burlesque community.

00:44:12.880 --> 00:44:15.840
Um, but I have not been to Fatcon yet.

00:44:16.079 --> 00:44:16.960
I'm gonna go back again.

00:44:17.039 --> 00:44:18.400
This year'll be my third year in a row.

00:44:18.480 --> 00:44:19.599
It's been it's been a lot of fun.

00:44:19.679 --> 00:44:24.719
I've made some amazing contacts through through Pucks, and I met Pucks through Tigers, of course.

00:44:25.679 --> 00:44:27.280
So much fun that you'd have a blast there.

00:44:27.360 --> 00:44:28.719
It's and plus it's Seattle.

00:44:28.880 --> 00:44:32.639
They have a huge, you know, burlesque uh community there.

00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:34.159
Yes, they do.

00:44:34.639 --> 00:44:39.519
So tell me a little bit about your burlesque, like stage name, what was your type?

00:44:39.679 --> 00:44:51.440
I know when we were interviewing folks at FatCon, like some people liked the comedic portion, some people really liked, you know, um an intense like visual art representation.

00:44:51.599 --> 00:44:55.039
Like what tell us a little bit about what what type you did.

00:44:55.519 --> 00:44:58.559
Well, my name was Magnolia Black.

00:44:58.960 --> 00:45:04.800
Uh Magnolia, because I'm from uh New Orleans, Louisiana, originally.

00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:10.719
And I uh I used to do I used to dance with Ruben S.

00:45:10.880 --> 00:45:17.360
Burlesque for years, and then I switched to doing solo performing.

00:45:17.679 --> 00:45:25.280
And by the time I was done or ending my burlesque career, and then COVID hit, I was gonna take a break.

00:45:25.440 --> 00:45:29.119
I was gonna take a break, and then COVID was like, uh, you're shutting it down.

00:45:29.360 --> 00:45:35.760
Uh so I did by the time I was finishing, there were two types of performances that I did.

00:45:35.920 --> 00:45:39.039
I either did comedy or I did something that would make you cry.

00:45:39.199 --> 00:45:41.360
And you never knew which one you were gonna get.

00:45:41.519 --> 00:45:44.880
It just depended on the day.

00:45:45.039 --> 00:45:59.679
And by the time I was done, I was doing pieces that lasted about anywhere between eight to 15 minutes because I would tell a story, I would sing, and then I would strip.

00:46:00.559 --> 00:46:08.239
And I did, and that was kind of like uh they're like, oh, that's some some gypsy rose lee shit.

00:46:08.320 --> 00:46:12.480
And I'm like, yeah, it is, and I was able to do it in a fat body.

00:46:12.719 --> 00:46:19.280
Um, and by the time I was uh came to an end, I was also headlining at places.

00:46:19.519 --> 00:46:26.719
I was also working like four to five days a week as a performance, like between massage and doing burlesque, I was paying my bills.

00:46:26.880 --> 00:46:34.719
So to be able to do that at like 350 pounds and be like, I could go into any place and be like, I'm Magnolia Black.

00:46:34.960 --> 00:46:37.280
Um, is there space for me here?

00:46:37.360 --> 00:46:43.280
And people would be like, We've heard of you, we've seen you, we want you to come through, or reaching out.

00:46:43.440 --> 00:46:55.199
And I'm again 350 pounds performing four to five times a week in the Bay Area, um, and doors being open for me to perform.

00:46:55.440 --> 00:46:57.920
So I talked about political things.

00:46:58.159 --> 00:47:08.400
Um, I talked about the time where uh I talked about not like fucking anyone unless the temperature in a room was under uh 80 degrees.

00:47:08.719 --> 00:47:17.519
Uh and I talked about being fisted by a bunch of queer people at um, oh my god, Miss SF Leather.

00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:20.559
Like that was a whole piece there too.

00:47:20.719 --> 00:47:23.360
So I I kind of went all over the place with it.

00:47:23.519 --> 00:47:23.840
Oh, yeah.

00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:25.519
Who is the artist of the art behind you?

00:47:25.599 --> 00:47:26.239
Do you remember the name?

00:47:26.320 --> 00:47:34.880
The name um Olylia Johnson did the art who's behind me, another fatty, um, living in Southern California.

00:47:35.519 --> 00:47:37.360
And really beautiful.

00:47:37.599 --> 00:47:44.079
Uh, she also did the art of the uh bigger bodies that were on the wall of a sovereign embodiment.

00:47:44.320 --> 00:47:44.880
Oh, nice.

00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:47.920
And were you working with Deb back in those days?

00:47:48.639 --> 00:47:51.039
I wasn't working with Deb back in those days.

00:47:51.119 --> 00:47:52.880
We both just had massage businesses.

00:47:53.119 --> 00:47:53.920
Okay, is that what it was?

00:47:54.079 --> 00:47:55.280
Yeah, it's great.

00:47:56.239 --> 00:47:57.519
And we traded sometimes.

00:47:57.760 --> 00:47:59.199
Oh, that must be heaven.

00:48:01.840 --> 00:48:08.320
Well, let's talk about how people can work with you, how they can find you, what's the best way to get in touch with you, all those kinds of things.

00:48:08.400 --> 00:48:13.440
Because I know it's coming up on an hour, and I don't want to run too, too long, but I want people to be able to find you.

00:48:13.519 --> 00:48:15.760
So tell us what's the best way to do that?

00:48:16.079 --> 00:48:20.559
The best way to do that is to find me on Instagram at Mammy is Dead.

00:48:20.719 --> 00:48:22.079
That's my handle.

00:48:22.239 --> 00:48:27.039
Um, you can also find me on Blue Sky again at Mammy Is Dead.

00:48:27.360 --> 00:48:32.639
Uh checking in my website and sending a message either at Mammy Is Dead.com.

00:48:32.719 --> 00:48:38.159
I'm saying it a lot, Mammy is Dead.com or a sovereignembodiment.org.

00:48:38.639 --> 00:48:43.039
And also I'm very, very responsive on Facebook.

00:48:43.199 --> 00:48:45.360
You can find me under Rawiya Tariq.

00:48:46.800 --> 00:48:52.079
When did you did you when did you switch to this Arabic name?

00:48:52.239 --> 00:48:58.800
Um, I switched my name about I want to say four years ago.

00:48:59.119 --> 00:49:02.000
There was a lot of trauma associated with my other name.

00:49:02.159 --> 00:49:03.679
So I decided to change it.

00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:09.599
And this name uh means storyteller or uh transcriber of Akashic text.

00:49:09.840 --> 00:49:11.199
And I do a lot of writing.

00:49:11.840 --> 00:49:14.880
I had an Akashic reading once, it was freaking amazing.

00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:16.719
I think Raoya is very beautiful.

00:49:16.960 --> 00:49:20.239
Does it Tariq mean something like lookout?

00:49:20.320 --> 00:49:21.679
Or I was trying to look up your name.

00:49:22.320 --> 00:49:26.880
Um, it means morning star, uh, or he who knocks.

00:49:27.119 --> 00:49:34.880
It's also a name of a uh a warrior who pushed colonizers out of the land, and it's also masculine.

00:49:34.960 --> 00:49:43.840
So my first name is feminine, my last name is masculine, and I feel like that's appropriate for being uh neither and both.

00:49:44.159 --> 00:49:45.039
That's beautiful.

00:49:45.199 --> 00:49:46.159
You're always doing it.

00:49:46.239 --> 00:49:46.880
I love it.

00:49:47.039 --> 00:49:47.679
Yeah.

00:49:48.400 --> 00:49:57.840
You know, the the question that we, you know, always ask at the end of our podcast um always has to do with sex.

00:49:58.239 --> 00:50:03.519
And um, I'm really excited for your answer because you're so interested in the kink community.

00:50:03.760 --> 00:50:11.119
So our question is um, what is your favorite sex toy or sexual aid?

00:50:13.519 --> 00:50:20.880
Okay, aside from my imagination, it has I love, I think you're the first person to ever say that.

00:50:21.039 --> 00:50:23.679
I love that that was your response.

00:50:25.840 --> 00:50:28.079
Um, electricity.

00:50:29.280 --> 00:50:30.159
Electricity.

00:50:30.480 --> 00:50:31.440
Like the violet wand.

00:50:31.599 --> 00:50:38.000
I love the violet wand, but I love when someone grounds themselves in and uses a violet wand in conjunction with a knife.

00:50:38.559 --> 00:50:43.199
Like they don't cut you, but they run the knife down your skin and it gives a wider surface area.

00:50:43.360 --> 00:50:47.519
And when you do it in the dark, it looks like a storm rolling over your skin because of all the other.

00:50:47.840 --> 00:50:51.599
So like I I sound really excited right now.

00:50:51.760 --> 00:50:55.920
So my imagination and electricity, those are those are my two.

00:50:56.079 --> 00:50:57.679
I'm a big masochist.

00:50:58.719 --> 00:51:00.719
I'm not submissive like I used to be.

00:51:00.880 --> 00:51:03.840
I I'm but I am definitely a masochist.

00:51:03.920 --> 00:51:04.239
Yeah.

00:51:04.559 --> 00:51:06.960
So yeah, electricity with a knife.

00:51:07.599 --> 00:51:07.920
Peak.

00:51:08.320 --> 00:51:11.360
The hustler store here has so much of the violet one stuff.

00:51:11.440 --> 00:51:17.360
It's amazing how many different varieties of items they have now for electricity play, which I I like it too.

00:51:17.440 --> 00:51:18.800
It feels great on your body.

00:51:19.840 --> 00:51:30.800
I know I'm trying to get um the hubby into to doing that more because uh I just the glove that they have that you can like put over your oh fantastic.

00:51:31.599 --> 00:51:32.880
Just wonderful.

00:51:33.039 --> 00:51:34.480
I'm still into it.

00:51:35.199 --> 00:51:35.840
I love it.

00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:47.679
We should have well, obviously, you need to come back and we need to have a discussion about all the different kink fun things to do, including your imagination and make it like an all-sex episode.

00:51:47.840 --> 00:51:49.599
But yeah, that's exciting.

00:51:49.760 --> 00:51:52.239
Oh, I really liked your answer to that.

00:51:52.719 --> 00:51:53.519
Thank you.

00:51:54.000 --> 00:51:58.239
We've had a lot of unusual answers, but that was definitely one of the best for sure.

00:51:58.559 --> 00:52:03.840
We get a lot of like the standard, you know, like the tachi magic wand, and you know, which are great.

00:52:03.920 --> 00:52:06.719
I'm not using that in any way, shape, or form.

00:52:06.880 --> 00:52:13.119
But um, yeah, that was I love the imagination uh response and the electricity, honestly.

00:52:13.199 --> 00:52:17.760
But that was like, ooh, I can't wait to read this smut that they're making.

00:52:17.840 --> 00:52:19.519
Like, well, it's gonna be good.

00:52:19.840 --> 00:52:22.239
I can tell you stories that'll make your toes curl.

00:52:22.559 --> 00:52:22.719
Right.

00:52:23.119 --> 00:52:23.840
Love it.

00:52:24.320 --> 00:52:28.159
Murph, you've been to some pretty cool classes recently, and you went to another cool event.

00:52:28.400 --> 00:52:28.719
Yeah.

00:52:29.519 --> 00:52:33.599
Um, just been trying to kind of dip into the kink community.

00:52:33.760 --> 00:52:38.159
Um, started going to a dungeon um that's not too far from us.

00:52:38.320 --> 00:52:42.320
So uh yeah, just kind of figuring out what I like and trying some new things.

00:52:42.480 --> 00:52:46.000
And um, yeah, electricity is is definitely one of them.

00:52:46.159 --> 00:52:52.800
So that definitely piqued my interest when you were talking about how it looked and using the the night.

00:52:52.960 --> 00:52:54.000
Okay, okay.

00:52:55.599 --> 00:53:02.000
I'm so excited to see you are back and that you're all the amazing things you're gonna be doing.

00:53:02.079 --> 00:53:07.360
It's so fun to have you like really active in our community out there again.

00:53:07.519 --> 00:53:13.920
It was I know that was like you you testing the waters too, and I'm so glad that you you were there and you felt comfortable being there.

00:53:14.000 --> 00:53:15.440
It was and of course Bertha.

00:53:15.599 --> 00:53:18.559
Bertha is the one who I bought these.

00:53:18.719 --> 00:53:20.559
Well, I think she gifted them to me actually.

00:53:20.719 --> 00:53:24.800
But they're donut donut bathing suit trunks, Murph.

00:53:25.280 --> 00:53:25.840
I love it.

00:53:26.079 --> 00:53:28.800
I thought they were underwear, but she said no, it's a bathing suit.

00:53:29.039 --> 00:53:32.239
But yeah, Murph Bertha has well, you got to see her clothes, right?

00:53:32.320 --> 00:53:34.800
Did you get to try on anything for Bertha, uh Murph?

00:53:35.199 --> 00:53:43.360
I didn't try anything on, but we had a discussion that I purchased the um boy shorts that she made a long time ago at your store.

00:53:43.599 --> 00:53:44.079
Oh, I have to do that.

00:53:44.159 --> 00:53:45.440
And still have them and love them.

00:53:45.679 --> 00:53:46.320
The glitter ones.

00:53:46.400 --> 00:53:47.199
I have the purple glitter ones.

00:53:47.280 --> 00:53:50.000
Yeah, I did my add a positivity uh photo in them.

00:53:50.320 --> 00:53:51.280
So great.

00:53:51.920 --> 00:53:53.119
Oh, I have one of those too.

00:53:53.280 --> 00:53:57.119
I was gonna say, Rob, yeah, you are a uh a model for Substantia, right?

00:53:57.280 --> 00:54:02.000
Yeah, I'm completely mechan and wearing I'm completely mechan wearing silver heels.

00:54:02.159 --> 00:54:04.239
Yes, and laid out on a chair.

00:54:04.559 --> 00:54:06.159
Murph and her husband were in it.

00:54:06.239 --> 00:54:07.599
They were photographed at my house.

00:54:07.840 --> 00:54:09.679
Yeah, we did the Bitterline series.

00:54:09.840 --> 00:54:10.320
It was fun.

00:54:10.960 --> 00:54:12.880
You go way back with Substantia, don't you, Murph?

00:54:13.199 --> 00:54:16.000
Yeah, yeah, about 10 years, yeah.

00:54:16.320 --> 00:54:17.360
Love her so much.

00:54:17.599 --> 00:54:19.760
So thank you so much, Robbie.

00:54:19.920 --> 00:54:21.679
It's so great to talk, talk with you, and see you.

00:54:21.760 --> 00:54:23.360
And it was so great to hug you.

00:54:23.440 --> 00:54:24.719
And I'm so glad you're back.

00:54:24.800 --> 00:54:27.039
And I can't wait to see all the different things you create.

00:54:27.199 --> 00:54:29.760
Definitely we'll make sure we share and we can try to attend.

00:54:29.920 --> 00:54:33.840
When you do your workshops, do you think you'll be doing them via Zoom or will you be doing it in person or both?

00:54:34.079 --> 00:54:35.440
I'll be doing them in Zoom.

00:54:35.519 --> 00:54:42.320
If I'm able to find a location, I'd probably do them um an accessible location because that's big for me.

00:54:42.559 --> 00:54:42.880
You too.

00:54:43.039 --> 00:54:44.719
I'd probably do a few in person.

00:54:45.119 --> 00:54:55.519
Um, I have done a few in person in the in maybe the last two years, one called In the Face of Fear, uh, which is a very like it's a very good, very intense.

00:54:55.760 --> 00:55:02.320
Uh, but right now I'm gonna be doing them over Zoom because it's just easier for me and easier for my body and easier for a disabled community to attest.

00:55:02.639 --> 00:55:03.199
That's for sure.

00:55:03.920 --> 00:55:04.800
Anything else, Murphy?

00:55:04.880 --> 00:55:07.280
Murph, you want to tell everybody where they can learn about us or find us?

00:55:07.360 --> 00:55:09.119
Of course, we always love when you give us a review.

00:55:09.280 --> 00:55:09.760
Oh, yeah.

00:55:10.159 --> 00:55:10.559
Apple.

00:55:11.119 --> 00:55:15.920
Like, share, comment, um bigsexy chat.com.

00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:26.320
We're at big sexy chat on all of the socials and big sexy chatpod at gmail.com if you want to send us an email.

00:55:26.559 --> 00:55:28.400
But honestly, just tell your friends.

00:55:28.480 --> 00:55:31.760
That's our that's the best way to get information out there.

00:55:31.920 --> 00:55:38.239
Um, and yeah, share, like, you know, give give more information out to the community.

00:55:38.400 --> 00:55:41.679
That's the best, the best thing that you can do for any of us.

00:55:42.159 --> 00:55:47.360
And Robbie, yeah, if you get your podcast going again, we'll have to do another little swappy swap of some kind.

00:55:47.679 --> 00:55:49.119
Would be fun to kind of do that.

00:55:49.360 --> 00:55:51.519
I want to give a shout out to Liz.

00:55:51.760 --> 00:55:54.960
I got to finally meet Liz of Hips, Crips, and Queers.

00:55:55.039 --> 00:55:58.480
She came to Fat Joy and she keeps shouting out our podcast.

00:55:58.719 --> 00:56:00.079
So love you, Liz.

00:56:00.159 --> 00:56:00.880
Thank you so much.

00:56:00.960 --> 00:56:02.320
And I think that's it for now.

00:56:02.400 --> 00:56:04.159
So I will see you later, alligator.

00:56:04.480 --> 00:56:06.159
After a while, crocodile.

00:56:06.400 --> 00:56:09.760
Sparkles and sharp teeth, you lovely babes.