Nacho Everyday Pick-Up Line: Dating While Fat

Hey girl, are you a camera? Because you make me smile. This is Nacho Average episode. On this episode of Big Sexy Chat, crystal and Murph are joined by the vivacious Victoria Nachos and they're talking all about dating while fat. So get ready to swipe right, grab your favorite pickup lines and podcast and chill.

Welcome back to Big Sexy Chat. We're so excited to have you here. My name is Crystal and I'm here with my wonderful co-host. Hi everybody, it's good to see you and we have a fantastic guest today. We're so excited to talk about dating while fat. We have Victoria. Nachos Victoria, thank you for being here today. We really appreciate you.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

It was so great. The first time I said to my partner I was like we're going to get to interview Victoria Nachos and he was like I just love saying her name.

It's fantastic, we're glad to have you here. So tell us a little bit about you. If somebody was brand new and didn't know anything about your content and what you do, please enlighten us. So, basically, I'm a sex and dating writer. I started writing about sex and dating I want to say like 2006-ish, really just like the peak of blog era, like just back when blogs were cool. I feel like they're coming back, but whatever. Back but whatever.

And I had ended a huge, like a really long, like a six year relationship had ended, and this was the first time in my life that I'd really started dating, like you know, because, like when you're young, you just like go to nightclubs and meet people. And this was like okay, we're gonna have conversations, we're gonna see what's up, it's gonna be great. And this was like okay, we're gonna have conversations, we're gonna see what's up, it's gonna be great. And within a first like the first maybe four guys I dated, the stories were just like these are nightmares and I was just like I have to tell people and also, so I have like multiple friend groups where I have like one person in each group rather than like one big group together, and I was like I can't tell these stories like eight times, so I'm just going to write a blog and then they can read it or not, like if it's like they're not their jam, whatever. And that's really how it got started.

In the beginning I was anonymous and I stayed that way for a while because I had was hoping to get into grad school. And then I did. I went to Montreal for grad school and then I kind of realized like, oh, you don't have to be like sexless and in a suit to have a career. So I became un-unanonymous and and then I wrote a bit for a paper, like a newspaper. I did a bit of college paper writing and I kind of just took a bit of time off as well and like finished grad school. And then when I moved back to Vancouver after grad school I started writing my first book and then that came out and then just sort of it came all from there out and then just sort of it came all from there, that it was just sort of it started from blogging and it was just sort of like these stories have to be shared that was the gist.

That's awesome and I I think, uh, it's gotten even better in terms of like. Now I'm seeing memes and um little cuts of convo. It's a lot of fun to follow your social.

I do say like one of the funniest things about social media is you think you're conveying the whole story but you're never really sure, because it's like I know the whole story, so I think you have all the info, but because you know, sometimes people will get confused, like not knowing whether I'm trying to shame someone or just being like here's a funny thing. I said to this guy and like majority of the time it's the funny thing, Like I'm just like let's spread the joy. Most of the lessons could just be picked up regardless, but like it's about, you know, spreading the joy.

Victoria, you're really beautiful and you have a face and body to die for. Thank you. Yes, you can be my sacrifice.

I love that at first I was like oh, thank you because I exist for your pleasure there, dude dating apps have definitely become less fun.

I almost think, like not really, because like I don't think it's because men have caught on, that they're being like mocked for their terrible behavior, because like that would be the dream that they like paid attention, notice and then learn. But like I don't really think that's it. I think they've. Just we're all getting tired. But like back in the day at least, when they would say something, like at least it was either like super offensive or like funny offensive, and I could like like they'd say something stupid and I could respond with a joke and at least we're like having some fun. But these days it's so boring, like it's just like hi, and you're like cool, hey, I'm like yeah, we've greeted each other, let's move this along.

We get just the sliver of it on our big sexy chat page. You know, like people guys will mainly guys will reach out and say like oi, or hi, hello, hi, fat like boy, or hi hello, hi, fat, like, just random like, or they'll try to put a sentence together but it never fully forms a sentence. Yeah, it's wild to me, like who, who in their right mind do you think, has responded to you like I think of, like you know, when people train pigeons or whatever, and it's like that one time you don't give them the treat and but they sit there and tap it thinking they're going to get the treat. But it's like who gave you the inch? Because I want to know who set this standard. It's it's pretty ridiculous. I can't even imagine the kind of stuff that you get here.

Yeah, and also I. So I used to fully think that it was like okay, no shade to other women. I used to fully think that it was like, okay, no shade to other women. But someone must be accepting this, like someone must be. But I have learned that, like that is the dream that men encounter something, learn like, think about it and learn from it. But that I, I swear to God, like it is not the case.

They are just so you know, dumb and like because, like I've asked them, like they'll be like do you want to meet up right now? And it's like you literally just said hello to me. Like, obviously not. Like you can't possibly think you're hot enough that I don't need conversation at this point. And it'll be like, did this work? Like this must work for you, right? They're always like no, they're always like no, it pretty much never works. I just thought I'd shoot my shot and it's like why shooting your shot makes you miss the shot, like you could have just walked out to a put the bag. You know, I don't know, I don't know how to make this analogy work, but just like it's not, like they are not learning and I can't figure out why. So it is my deepest curiosity in life to be like why are you like this? Why are you like this?

I think you're going to solve the mystery for all of us, because it has to.

I'm just going to go out on the limb and say genetic code. I think it's also.

I think it's like so much of like. I think it's like there's little subsections of like. I think it's like there's little subsections, so it's like the guys who, for lack of a better term, have like sort of a victim mentality, like they're just like life is never going to work out for me because I mean, they're basically in cells but like it's probably a larger group, depending on gradations, but just who are just like it's never going to work out for me, so I'm not going to try hard, and like they don't even realize that they're just like. It's that self-fulfilling prophecy thing where it's like I'm not going to try hard and so no, but it's like it's actually incredibly easy.

You can just be kind and probably just ask them questions, like I used to think that I'm like like my standards are incredibly high and I don't mean standards in the like no-transcript, and so it's like they don't even have, like you don't actually have to be interesting. You could literally just be kind and ask questions and I swear to God, 80% of men would have a girlfriend in a heartbeat or, at the very least, a girl willing to hook up with them. Because it's just like it's actually so easy, and that is. That's why it's so infuriating that it's so difficult for them, because I'm like it's so easy, it's so unbelievably easy and they can't do it.

And I'm looking, you know, when I look through your content and I see the responses that you get. It's like that general high. And then the next thing is like love them big titties, I want them big titties in my face, or, you know, it's just like that's where you. That's the second introduction. Like, wait, wait, like what is the like?

I understand having that thought Like, hey, I got them big titties. Understand, having that thought like, hey, I got them big titties. Um, and and like I even have. I used to have a photo on my dating profile that you could technically see my nips through my shirt, but like so minimal, and I'm like you'd have to really be looking everyone's looking, they're all looking, just nothing every guy and they'd be like, well, you put that photo up and it's like, yeah, because that photo is amazing, but just like I.

It's not that I don't want you to have that thought, it's just like you need to be smart enough to be like hmm, how is she gonna respond to that like, even even just a conversationally, in a conversation? Like what am I supposed to say to that? Be like boy? You're like yeah, they, they're great flotation. Like I just want it. Like just or and like even even if they expect like cause I've asked, cause sometimes I'm like that's insane.

Please tell me what your thought process was. I need to know, cause I'm just like infinitely curious about why they do what they do, and it's usually like you want it to be like and it's usually like you want it to be like I thought, like they just like, thought you'd say thanks and like maybe give them a compliment back which I get because, like I am not a complimenter, I'm just also too soon, we haven't even met, it doesn't mean anything yet like I'm not going to give you a compliment about like your hairline or something like just none of that matters to me be interesting and you'll get a compliment. But yeah, like I just they honestly it it never even like. Not only are they not thinking about what would you think in response to that, they don't even know to think. I wonder what she'll think like that's the thing that's missing.

Right. There's literally no thought process. It's just like that instant gratification of, like, oh hi, big titties. What is happening here? Why are we just throwing stuff out, like, especially when you're trying to approach someone in terms of dating and you know, I think one of the scariest things that I would imagine going into the dating pool is that, like, those seem to be the majority of the options. Yeah, so tell us a little bit about dating apps in general, like which ones are the good ones to use? Which ones are the ones that you know you seem to have a better response from.

So it's a good news, bad news situation. The good news is I'm optimistic for the future. The good news is I'm optimistic for the future, but I will say, like there has been such a like dating apps and again the only like um data sort of set of this that I can't control is my age. Um, so like when I started using dating apps, like fresh off the boat with Tinder, maybe it was like 2000. Yeah, like six to not maybe 2009. I think that was like really when I hit my stride, so like back then, dating apps, like dating apps, like we called about dating apps, most of them are not for dating, but that, not for dating, but that like the branding of it tells women it's okay, you can be on this app and you might find men who respect you, which is like that's the hardest thing to find. And then, like I just feel like there's no men on dating apps that are looking for dating anymore. But like back at like 2009 ish, it wasn't so, it was still absolutely possible Like I went on many a date. Now, that said, is that because dating apps often have like a lower age range, and I am now, now that I'm 42, I'm at a much higher age range. Like I have matched with a couple of guys and it's like what are you looking for? And they'll say dating and then be like like some of them have actually mentioned the age difference and then you're just like instant turnoff. Like you're just like gross. If it's a weird, like, if it's a thing for you, I no longer am interested, like you've ruined it. But so that said, so like, depending on what you're looking for, there are still some great apps Like and like throughout my whole sex and dating history I've really gone through these like just real roller coaster of like what I was looking for.

So like when I first started dating and don't worry, I'll circle back to the absence of tech when I first started dating, it was absolutely like I'm looking for dating and then, and sort of like that was like book one, and then book two is more sort of like I would love to just like hook up with a guy, but like it was just really me sort of finding out, like can I find a guy who, like just isn't a shithead? I can swear on this, right, yeah, okay, I'm like we're gonna be talking about vibrators. I can swear, but like who just like isn't a dick, you know, and you're just like. You should respect me as a person because I'm a person and it should have nothing to do with what I'm looking for. So, after sort of of like dating, doing dating for quite a while, then when I was in Montreal and this is so I feel it has to be related. So I'm just going to mention when I was in Montreal, I was working as a script writer for porn. So like, just like much of your research is just like watching porn all day, seeing what the other companies are doing, etc. So you can imagine I was a bit more riled up than you.

So in that time period, and I was just I was so tired of like hookups, like disappointing hookups, and I was like, ok, how can changed my Tinder Bumble, everything, and was just like I am looking for men who like to lick pussy and don't expect anything in return, because it's like the amount of hookups I've had where it's like if you don't say the don't and I guess turns out I only recently found that I am a people pleaser. You wouldn't think so, given how I treat many a man, but that's because by that point I'm no longer. You know, they're idiots. But so like I do get pressured very easily because and especially if, like a sex positive person, you're like, yeah, we should, you know, and just so like having that boundary changed my life though. So, like the hookups after that, phenomenal, just phenomenal, yeah, phenomenal, just phenomenal.

That said, then the pandemic happened and I'm back in Vancouver, which is a much more I'm just going to be honest fat phobic city. It's a very fitness related, it's just different. It's just Vancouver is probably the most fat phobic place in North America. I would say Even like Montreal, way less that phobic Like Vancouver is very phobic Again, like down in Seattle, though not as much Like it's just something about Vancouver. So my app experience does need, like you have to count that in. So it's like if I went to say you know Atlanta or something for a week, the apps might be very different for me. Something for a week, the apps might be very different for me, but in Vancouver, dating-wise, as a 42-year-old, it's Slim Pickens, the slimmest, the slimmest of the Pickens. Also, because I will say there is something to be said.

We're just like, the older you get and the more time you spend with men, the more you're like I'm good, I'm all set. Thank you so much, but there are some. The field is really great, especially if, like, if you're looking for what I was looking for back in Montreal and even sometimes now, which is just like, look, I just want you to go down on me, I want to get off, and then we're done, and like we can talk as humans and everything, but like I will not be returning the favor and sort of like you know spoiler alert, they don't know this. But like, if we've had you know five or six encounters and I realize you're an excellent lover, I might reward you. You know, I might get the fuck. There's a little treat, you know, it's just that kind of thing. But like you have to prove yourself. So, like, field is great, for that, um, hinge is I'm undecided on Hinge, so I would say the worst one these days. And I'd be interested to know, like, what other people say, like in terms of their cities, because I definitely find that, like, certain apps in certain cities work better.

But I hate Bumble now. I absolutely hate it. I hate it all. Also because it, like the men have caught on that you have to message first, so I get a thousand matches, just match after match after match. And then you're like hey, hello, hello, hey, you know.

And like, even when I do something interesting, like I try you know I'm not an actual data scientist, but ooh, do I love it so like I'll message 10 people with something boring and then 10 people with something interesting and see if the data matches. And it's just like you end up with like one actual person who wants to match you. And you're just like what the fuck? Like what a waste of time. And it's just like and arguably you'd be like, okay, well, if I'm serious about dating or whatever, and or just like I'm an adult, now I'll pay to skip to the front of the line. I don't care, doesn, doesn't make a difference. I've had times on Bumble where it's like if you pay this and you skip the line, you've got 80 people willing to match with you and then I'll also at the same time.

So what I did is then I paid for it and I would swipe right on some of the people and they wouldn't turn up in my matches. And I'm like, yeah, these are obviously like fake profiles that they just put on too. And I'm just like it's a graft. So like back in the day, apps were so great and I'm very hopeful for like whatever comes next. But I'm just like something has to come Cause. Basically, like we gamified and you know both like the gamification of dating apps and sort of like the capitalism of dating apps have ruined them all. Um so like honestly, like field is probably my favorite um it we, and especially just for like if you're, if you're just looking to hook up, field is great, feel to make it happen for you. And then like tinder honestly, I'm only on tinder now for the jokes like I there's never gonna be. Like just, you know, I mean, that's a lie. I'm such a like optimist, but I'm like maybe one witty guy I'll sneak in. I never do nice victoria.

Are there any specific for uh people of size? So there is blue plus.

Uh, the problem with being in a city that is so fat phobic is you'll get like five guys, like there'll be five guys on there and so it's just like. So like my whole life, like back in the day, like they're like back when we were using like plenty of fishcom, which is from van doomer, but be like hometown pride um though now it's accessible, I don't even know but so like woo plus. Again, like I wonder if, if you live in a city like, especially like a, a major american city, that you will get on an app like that and have like a phenomenal um experience, but in vancouver you're gonna find like five guys and you don't want to date anybody. Also, the only issue I really find with like I would love to get on an app and have it be just fat liberationist, but it's usually fat fetishist.

Right? Would you say that there's anything that like specifically helps? If, say, you want to avoid the dating apps Like? What would that scene look like?

I mean I'd be asking you for advice. I'm like I don't think I've met a man in real life in like years like I. You know I also I will say the pandemic did not help. Like that really created such a almost like a vacuum that it was just like we're all more isolated, so it's even harder to just like get out there. I really wish there. I just I wish there was an app that like like I wish one of these app companies would come to me and be like how can we make it better for people? And I'm like, first of all, make what you're looking for categories clearer, because they're always like something casual and it's like what does that mean to you? That means very different things to very different people. Because it's like I've always been a casual dater. I've never really been like I'm looking for a life partner. So it's like there's no option to put something like I want to date casually, but like that men don't just read it like oh, she wants that. It's like no, thank you.

Now, I'm sure that all of this really gave you good fodder for your books. But tell us, like, was there specific things that kind of led to each book, like were there scenarios or situations that occurred, or was it just kind of an overall overarching, sort of like I got to talk about this dating scene, sort of?

yeah, I mean it's basically like man by man. Um no, I always, I always feel bad for the men. Like on the one hand, I'm like imagine getting left out of a book, but like I went on a date with a guy once who was like let's have a date on the beach and this has been even in the book so but like this is just kind of the gist of like what it was. Like we had a date on the beach, which already like I'm a rule follower. So I was like he was like let's have a fire and I was like are you sure about that? It's illegal. And just like he would.

He was like singing to me in public and like he got like progressively drunker over the date, which is like extra weird because I don't drink. So it's like like that's fine, but like like I love like have a couple cocktails but like don't get gross and floppy, that's like you know. And then so like that was a god. Not even that didn't mean the worst parts, but like that was one day. Another guy I went out with was a garbage man and the one day he like told me about his lunch. Like wow, we were like making out and it was like about meat and it was just very like you like. Just imagine someone telling you the grossest story about a meal that they love and like while you're making out and you're just like this is insane. Like what are you? What are you talking about?

yeah, that's bizarre yeah yeah, going back to the guy that was singing with you, it makes me think of that scene in barbie when ken's singing at barbie for like four hours oh yeah, I mean and like.

So, just yeah, singing at and just like to not be able to sense that someone is uncomfortable is such a weird trait, like how can you not be paying attention how comfortable they are? Well, yeah, that was a nightmare. And he'd lied about his height and just like, oh god, and it was like one of the first dates I'd like ever been on. So it was a real like I wasn't prepared to be like well, I'm gonna go because you lied, but yeah, just like all kinds of insane things. And then in the second book, you know I also wanted to.

So I will say the third book is where it gets great, because, like the third book covers that like my pleasure only montreal period. But like, even in the second book, like, just, just like, weird shit does happen to me. So like I did go on a date with an olympic, a jamaican, um bobsledder, and like, like verified like he really is, and like it was very sad the story, like they have like no money for the sled so he had to stay behind and it was a whole thing. But like I had a great time and like the book, so I do try and, like you know, put some of the good stuff into nice.

yeah, so during, uh, during the pandemic, we had lots of isolation and there were people kind of trying to find different outlets and things to make connections, and I hear that a lot of folks kind of switched over to OnlyFans. So I'm curious what your experience has been with that.

So I do have an OnlyFans, though I actually don't think there's any subscribers right now because I never post. I'm the worst. But so I started it during the pandemic, mainly because, like, on the one hand, I was like OK, well, maybe I should be on the apps, because sometimes it takes so long to filter through people that it's like you could be months down the road before you find someone you're like okay, I'm willing to even consider meeting in a park or something. So in that meantime, there were just so many guys who kept like asking for weird things, like pictures of my feet and, and they're just like. It was sort of just like if you're going to be weird and sexual way too soon, I need to benefit from this. Like it's the same way, like men are always like I want you to dom me. And it's like well, let's start with financial dom, because anything else is not of interest to me.

Like so thousand, thousand percent basically like started an only fans where I literally was just like directing people from tinder and I was like, so, like I did make some money and like it was, but I just, you know, even it's such a thing where it's like, like so you know, you get a couple men who are paying and then you're just like I'm bored of this already now Like it's almost like I just though I like I love the idea of OnlyFans. If you enjoy it, my God, get yours, girl, get yours. The biggest problem for me is that I'm just like I'd rather watch TV. You know, like it was, it was absolutely me making it a flop after a while because I'm just like not enough and also you start to be like, honestly, you don't deserve these toes what?

what about tips for men? Like is maybe you need to write a book about that, like y'all here's. Here's like the bare minimum make sure you check in on the person. Do they look uncomfortable? Are they shying away from you? Check their body language, like that seems like there needs to be a helping book out there for them.

Absolutely so. I have thought about writing a book that's just like dating tips for men. I've also thought of being like by Charlie Bobker, or something you know like, because I will say I think that men who need the most help are, unfortunately, the same men who, like, won't take advice from a woman, you know, which I find insane, because I'm like I don't want to ask women about men. I want men to tell me about men because I feel like they are in it, you know like, it's just like, go to the source. But yeah, also because I honestly think the majority of men, their issue, is so easily solvable. It's that thing where it's like, okay, what are the things that keep, possibly, men from wanting to date me? And it's like most of them are unsolvable. My age can't fix that, my weight can't fix that, Just like all these things that are like, and it's just like man, it's like you could just ask her some questions, you know, just like, have a little interest in her as a person and you'll probably get to bond, Pay attention to, you know, cues. Does she look uncomfortable? Is she leaning in? Is she leaning away angrily? You know, and it's just like it's it's actually so easy and it's just. I don't know why they make it so difficult.

My, my, my only like working theory is that it's such a and again, like you know, we're in a safe space. I don't need to be like. It's not all men, it's implied, we know. I think it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy in that their, unfortunately, senses of selves are so fragile, their confidence is so fragile and not there, that they purposely act poorly so as to not get rejected for being vulnerable, the irony of which is, my God, just be vulnerable, we love it, Except with the exception of like too soon, which is like an easy skill to learn, Just to be like. Well, if you haven't met in person, don't tell her about all your health conditions that are getting you sad. You know like it's like. Have some comments.

It's kind of like that when I was a kid don't let my parents know I'm really good at washing the dishes, because, guess what, I'm gonna have to wash the dishes all the time. Maybe they try to set the bar real low for themselves so they know no matter how what they do, they're gonna look better than how they start. Yeah.

The other crazy thing about dating it's like I've never met a man who didn't overestimate my interest in him. Like the other thing is like media is just such a problem for me in dating. Like every man is just like oh, but I don't want a relationship. And you're just like settle down, bro, I have a master's degree. I'm not just going to fall in love with you. Like who are you? Like you're no, you know. It's just like it's so wild. Like it's like they have such little confidence and then also way too much Like it's just I don't know.

Do you think at all that that that has to do with, um, you being fat? Like, is there any part of that where you feel like maybe the concept of that is just like I just want to hook up, like I don't want anything more because you know this is. You know, I'm going to have to introduce you to people? I'm curious. I think our listeners would probably be like having that question in mind.

So it's such a complex thing Cause, like, on the one hand, absolutely A hundred percent, I absolutely think men view fat women and I also think, think in terms of like, how little they try because, my God, not only is it terrible to be rejected by a woman I wanted, but imagine if that woman is fat and then she rejects me.

That said, so it's like, on the one hand, yes, yes, I think that is why, specifically in this moment, this man is treating me less than However, over the course of the last like 20 years, and just like the amount of women I've spoken to, and it's sort of like men treat women terribly for a variety of reasons and you could you could latch on to that.

It's like he's treating me bad because I'm fat, but it's like another woman will be. Like he's treating me bad because I'm fat, but it's like another woman will be like he's treating me bad because I'm black. He's treating me bad because I'm disabled. He's treating me bad because I'm super hot and he thinks it's fun. He's treating like it's just like, you know, like Beyonce got cheated on. So it's like it is this thing where it's like bad things happen to women by men all the time. And on the one hand, it's helpful to think about it that way, but I also think it's like don't latch onto it, because it's like that's the reason he's doing this shitty thing to you, but like he's doing shitty things to everyone for whatever reason.

That said, you know, oh sorry, go ahead back when I was dating, I remember this whole concept was like you're on apps, so you're so hot, you're so hot, you're so hot.

Then you say no, thank you, you, fat bitch yes, the pipeline from you're so hot, I want you, you so bad, to fuck you. You fat bitch is real, that's just an inch of a bite. Yeah, yeah, and like, honestly which is so crazy to me because it's like I can't ever imagine, Like if someone rejected me, the idea of insulting them for the very thing I just like, how does that even connect in your brain? Like, aren't you immediately like well, I'm a hypocrite, you, I just like. How does that even connect in your brain? Like, aren't you immediately like well, I'm a hypocrite, you know? Like it's just like, yeah, the only thing that, like I will say so, like because of you know I've been fat like my whole life. Like it's not like I didn't get fat in adulthood, so I didn't, you know. Like it's like I've known about the fat stuff forever and yeah, like men will just say the worst things. But the part that really bothers me is actually the cognitive dissonance. Like it's not even I'm just like, I don't get it. Like I am fat, like excellent assessment, you know, but it's just like, and I just find it scary because I'm always like, oh man, you're going to run into some 22-year-old fat girl who is not, does not have enough shields up and that's going to, you know, like the shitty things men have said that burrow in your brain and stay there for 20 years is you know something else? But yeah, but I do, Sorry, go ahead, no, go ahead. No, no, go ahead. I was just gonna say, but I do like men. I also again like.

My theory is it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that they use little things about you to push you further away, so that that, like, they're not the one who's choosing something. You know what I mean. Like, like that, like they. Recently this happened with this guy and he was just like I mean, Christ, I don't even think he was that young, like I think he was like 10 years younger than me, but like 32, like I'm like 42 and 32 is that hugely different, like you know, especially because it's like you haven't asked if I like have kids, want kids, kids, whatever, which is like don't, don't, don't for all of the above. But I felt the need to be like obviously there's an age difference, so like it wouldn't really, and you're just like what? Like that's a you thing, that's not an everybody thing. But I think it was one more thing that I was like okay, you're older so I need to keep you, and you're fat so I need to keep, and it's just you know. But I try not to take that shit on though.

Is it kind of like let me reject you first before you reject me?

I think so. Or just like I want to set the bar. I mean, I don't, you know again, because I'm like if I haven't asked for something, it seems bonkers to me that you think an adult woman needs to be like borned you know what I mean. Like I'm not. If I'm going out with someone, I'm not like oh good, this is going to be a relationship. I'm like let's see if you could be interesting enough that I want to see you a few times, you know. And so it seems so weird to me that they're like that they would like do these little pre-rejections except because it does eventually work.

Like I stopped talking to that guy. I didn't even respond about why. I was just like, okay, I'm not interested in you, and but I do. So I do think it could be this like self-protection thing, but it's such a societally like, it's so prolific across, like so many men, so like I do think it's. I think it's a fat thing, I think it's a age thing, I think it's a self-protection thing, I think they've just got a lot of problems.

And again, final thing though, I think it's a I don't think any man who is looking like I actually I don't think there are obviously there could be like 10, but like, as a majority, any any man on a dating app right now, unless they're, unless they've found some app like I mean, match is shit, don't, don't ever use Match. But like, if they're on some app that is like very specifically for dating, they're just looking to hook up. They may eventually date you if like, but like they are just looking for a hookup and women are just trying to be like could you keep it a little more open? And it's just like. But I think that's the big problem that like men are not on the apps looking for dating.

Yeah, and I I'm curious and we'll come back around to it, but I I'm curious. The questions from our audience, crystal, that you know. We mentioned that we were going to talk about dating and this has been like one of the largest topics that our group has been. You know, tell us, tell us more, and none of us are in the dating scene, and so it's so nice and refreshing to have this conversation, because I mean, we could probably have a round two with how many questions?

but, Crystal, do you want to run through some of the questions that our folks have?

asked yeah, sure, the one thing what kind of photo do you put in your profile, especially if you're a fat person? I think you should put a picture of yourself very fat, in the picture, but I would love to hear what you have to say about that. And then, how do you turn off your mean girl and how do you find your confidence? Is it okay to stalk his socials?

So, okay, let's start the photo. So I am a big like show your joy, like show your best photos, and like I don't just mean like a selfie where you're smiling, Like you do want to try and find some photos where you didn't know the photo was getting taken and like you're just, you know, being joyful, because it's like even like I know it's not the same Like they have done some studies that like I don't know that say, sometimes men are more attractive when they're not smiling. I find it psychotic. I'm like if you're not smiling in every photo, I don't want to meet you. You seem like an angry person, but for me, for women, I think it's like and it's a tough I'm undecided on this of whether or not you should, so I absolutely sorry. Just to backtrack for a sec. The fattest photos of you do not hide anything, because the amount of stress that you feel before, like that everyone, no matter what their size, feels before a first date, is already a lot. But add to that you're unsure if he knows how fat you are, and also like that would be to have someone be like actually, even if they, if they rejected you right off the bat. I think it would be like hey, fair, whatever. My biggest fear is that you're like in on the second date and they're still just like I didn't think she was this fat or something like that. Like that's my but, so I'm just like the fatter the better, because then, no matter what, you're going to show up and you're just like I'm having a great day. You know, Like one thing I started I basically stopped wearing makeup in the last like five, six years, and so I always try and make sure I have at least one photo where I'm not wearing makeup. So it's like this is what you're getting, and I will say I'm not doing it for them. Like I don't really care, Like just, but it's like the stress that you feel before you meet someone is so much less if you're just like oh, I showed everything, so we're fine Now.

That said, the thing I was going to say that I've undecided on is whether or not you should post a like sexy, super sexy photo you in a bathing suit, you in a bikini, any of that. On the one hand, I love it and I will say I personally do it Still not sure if it's the right call, but I do it Again for the same reason, because I'm like I don't want to accidentally have all my photos of me in, say, a dress and you don't know that I have an apron belly, because I have gone on a date with someone who, um, and it's actually it's in the second book, dating well feminists, which I was going to title dating well fat but I thought it might alienate some non-fat purchaser. So, yeah, I went on and like he took, he like found that I had an apron belly. Definitely did not go well, I was out of there real quick. But so like I don't want a situation like that and on the one hand, you might get a bunch of like nice nips and you know I love the titties, etc, etc.

But it's also sort of like I I used to believe that like those guys like just accidentally got carried away, like this is the one time they just couldn't contain themselves. My kids are just so great they had to talk about them. But it's like that's not true. This man has just saved you a bundle of time and effort. So you know, it's that thing where it's like yeah, you're gonna get a lot of comments that you're like what the fuck? But then you can just easily be like I'm matched Goodbye, Save me, you know. So it can go both ways, but, like I personally am like sexy, Every show, everything. I wanted you to be able to see the dimples in my thighs. I want you to be able to see everything, because I just want to show up to a date and have fun and not be stressed that you're disappointed in how I showed up Because, also, it's like that. So then, with the inner critic, you know, I I will say I don't have that inner critic that much. I'm mostly just like. This is me, Like what are you going to do? Or learning period.

It was actually a thin woman who started that journey for me, and the reason is this woman do you know this plum flower? Oh, okay, you got to check her out. She's amazing, but she is a thin woman with her words, saggy titties, and she used to hashtag saggy boobs matter. And because I've done a lot of weight cycling in my life, you know, lose 80 pounds, gain 80 pounds, lose 80 pounds, you know, just back and forth. So, like I have real saggy titty, like they're huge but they're pancake, and that is an inner critic thing for me, that I'm like you know, oh, what if he doesn't like them and then you're like who gives a shit? What do you like He'll take? He'll take what he gets, but so, like, because a thin woman was going through the same thing as me, it really was just like, oh, we all just need to shut that shit down, Because I'm like this is bullshit. If you can't even be free of this when you're thin, my God, we got to get rid of it. So like, for me, it I do find it easier to shut the critic down, just because I mean again, I think it might just be my age and the amount of like time I've spent in the space that I'm just like who gives a shit? You're going to hate me or love me, and that's on you.

So the last question about should you stalk their social media?

One of the like I would say absolutely I love to know more.

The only problem with that is, you know, I actually like I it difficult, Like it used to be a lot easier back in the day.

These days, I find that a lot of people are better at like keeping their stuff hidden and like I, so I personally, I mean, I'm very good at, sort of like, assessing safety, but like I wouldn't find out someone's last name before a date, unless they, they, yeah, like that would be pretty rare. That said, I am definitely a I don't want to say a danger proponent, but like I play it a little loosey goosey, I will say the final. That there's, finally, that there's a benefit to being fast, is I worry less about my safety in certain ways. So I might be more worried that a man might spit on me or something in public, but like I'm not so worried he's going to murder me because he'd have to drag my body somewhere and that's going to be difficult. So, like, as long as I'm meeting someone in a public place, I'm not even really concerned about my safety. However, I do think some other women should be.

What about? Do you Google their phone number? Do you get? You get each other's phone numbers. Before you go on a date, do you tell people where you're going to be? How do you do all that? So?

absolutely I would not meet someone straight from Tinder, if only because, yeah, like that I will say that absolutely just feels like, oh, I better double check. But you know, and then I again, I think a lot of it is like experience based. So when I first started dating, absolutely I'm like here's this picture, here's where we're going. If I haven't texted you by 11, you know, something has gone awry. Just blah, blah, blah.

So like I definitely do that and like back in the day I absolutely would have, I used to absolutely ask men for their Facebook. But like it's sort of like in the last 10 years I'm like I'm not even sure they'd have a Facebook. And I'm also sort of like because, as a writer, the other the big thing for me. So, like if I was just a average Joe, I would absolutely be more likely to exchange socials, exchange anything like that. The problem for me is if I give them my you know even my real name, because, like, my books are under my real name, victoria Young Like I just I worry too much that they'd like find out who I am and then not want to go out. But yeah, so I definitely get their phone number though, for sure, that would be a for sure. And I don't think I've Googled. You know, I usually just start Googling if they behave poorly.

I did have a friend who's in the dating scene and she started doing the Google check before going out and a guy had moved from Colorado to Ohio and he was being charged for molesting a corpse in Colorado and I was.

When she shared that she was like I'm taking a big break from dating right now, like because it was just holy shit right you know like so I'm sure you have stories like that too, like crazy I usually get more like hateful stuff, but just like if you can find the information absolutely, and I am a bit of an online sleuth, but I do find that it's harder in this day and age than it was like a decade ago. I guess I'm not really looking for things about safety. I am looking for things like I am looking for red flags, which is like yeah, like I guess technically the corpse thing I mean he's probably only in a dead body, so you're fine.

My girlfriend is a closer. We'll just say when she goes out and about she closes very, very successfully. I love that. And she sends my girlfriend and me a picture of their driver's license and sometimes it'll be like 2.30 in the morning and then at 4.30, we'll get another one Like okay, but now we know how to find them. So I was like that's pretty smart, but I don't know if it's necessary. But these guys all do it, cause you know they want to get there, we'll have their. They want to have their fun. But the last question I think we probably need to wrap it up and, murph, help people dating us to make conversations Okay.

So first question are you asking like on the apps, or in person, like when you're meeting, or like?

on the app Once you're finally on your first date.

Okay, I mean Ooh. So this is hard for me to offer advice, Cause I'm just sort of like I'm a big proponent of like you're just building off small talk, like how's your day going Great? And like if they say like you just want to be a good listener because either they're going to say something boring, like yeah, it's fine, it's great, whatever, or they're going to say, oh, you wouldn't believe what happened today and play off that. But like, if they're boring, okay, next step It's's just ask simple questions what do you do for work? Do you enjoy that? Uh, do you have any siblings?

Like I am not someone who thinks the questions itself really matter. It's about can you like find fun in that? So it's like I like some people are like, oh, asking about work is boring, and I'm'm like well, I'll be honest, I've dated a lot of guys with really cool jobs and, honestly, most of the time, that's the most interesting thing about them. So I tend to be like, yeah, tell me more about that. Like it's like neuroscientists, the Jamaican bobsledder, you know, just like things like that. So it's like I also think it's okay to like if you're someone who's really nervous about that, write yourself some questions. Just write them down on paper, even if you hit question three and you can't remember what it said go to the bathroom. Like life does not have to be that stressful. Like I think most of the dating stuff has more to do with you know people who like don't really want to be there, almost like a lot of the stuff on the apps. We're all just like too busy, don't care whatever. But like, once you're meeting in person, I really think it's like if you're meant to connect, you'll connect, and if you're not meant to, you won't.

Like, even in like the long term relationships I've had, I'm like you could have said something real stupid on the first, wouldn't have mattered. You just carry on, but like yeah, so honestly listening, and then I would say being prepared to give longer answers. Like if someone asks you what is your job, don't just say I'm a writer. Say like, be prepared to talk about that. You're just like you have to be able to, even if you're worried. Like I just found out I might have ADHD, which you may have noticed given how I talk, but you know just to not worry about that stuff.

That like if you connect, like if so, if you're going to connect with someone especially dating wise, I don't think a lot of it matters. Like you can make little mistakes, you don't need to be worried about that. And also like I've never had a man make a little mistake on a date and me be like well, this is over. Like it's always like little mistake, little mistake, weird mistake, big mistake, huge mistake, okay, let's get the bill, you know. So it's like I think the conversation thing is just like be confident, be interesting, be ready for give and take. Like that's the biggest thing, give and take. It's okay to ask them the same question that you, you know. Like back and forth, that's just get it going.

Right, that's solid. My last question is kind of a best of and the worst of, so, like what is, is what's the best thing about dating while fat and what's the worst thing about dating while fat?

um, I mean the worst is the I think it's the self-doubt. Like I think for years I would put the onus of any slight rejection, shitty things said on the fact that I was fat, until I really understood that like you might be getting treated shitty because you're fat, but that same person is treating other people shitty for whatever specific hurt they've got as well, and like that sucks and so it. But that said, society wise. The worst part is just that, like men are so conditioned to view women as like a trophy for them that I think a lot of them miss out on like great connections, that it's like your soulmate might be a fatty, like you're really missing out on life if you could just. And also like they're attracted to you. It's just the fact that they're just like so like weak of character that they could never stand up to their friends and be like don't say that shitty thing about my beautiful girlfriend or whatever you know.

Um, and then the best is probably I. I have had some women say they've tried the similar thing as me, just being like looking for guys who like to lick pussy and expect nothing in return, and it has worked out great for them. The only thing. I've never asked any of them if they were fat ladies as well, like, I don't know. It never occurred to me. I was just like good, great, get yours.

But that said, I would be interested to know if it works as well for thin women, because there is something like men and again it could be because I do have very like I think I like to call it big dick energy, but I might just be like an abrasive ventuno, but just like I think I have a real like I don't give a fuck, this is what I want. If you're not into it, get the the fuck out. So, like men read that as dominant and, um, you know, I I think that made it easier for me to be like to find the guys, because the same guys who are looking for that are also like, just want to be dominated, and this is a way to do that without me making it about them, because that's my biggest thing with, like anytime a guy's like I want you to dom me and it's like how I want to or how you want to, because that then becomes about you. But yeah, so the best part, I think it does make that easier to just be like it's going to be all about me. I hope you're cool with that. That's awesome, I love it.

Well, the the question that we always end our podcast with is one that you know can be a bit revealing, so we've kind of softened it a little bit over the last couple of years. So we used to say what's your favorite sex toy, but now we say what's your favorite sex toy or sexual aid? So maybe something that kind of gets you in the mood or something that makes you feel sexy, so whatever you feel most comfortable with, I'm imagining you're going to be I will just do a quick little thing, just because you said you know what's their favorite thing to feel sexy.

And I want to say I think so many women expect, like their bodies to get to where they want them to real quick. And like, if a man is coming over to pleasure me, I will absolutely throw on a little porn and just you know, especially one with a story, maybe one that I wrote, you know, get in the mood. So I just want to say to everyone that is a great thing to do. You don't have to wait for him to get there to start. You know, get yourself sensual, get into, get into the groove, you know. That's why I will absolutely tell you my favorite sex toy. And but I just want to say, um, check the company's safety.

I don't know what's not actually a sex toy, but I have a Theragun and that has been life-changing. If also because I just want to and I'm like I know you were worried I wouldn't be like I'll reveal all I've found that with the Theragun I can actually get what I would call the like G-spot orgasm, as well as the clitoral one. So it's basically like it's, it's yeah, like it's really it's giving her, and then also I think it's it's yeah, like it's really it's giving her, and then also I think it's great, because then you know you can just work on your calves after.

But yeah, they're a gun for life baby I love that sponsor me especially because I have that little travel one too that you could like take oh yeah, that's you know, yeah a little more discreet, but you know.

Yeah, fair warning to everyone. You know use within your own limits, test first, safety first. You know I don warning to everyone. You know use within your own limits, test first, safety first. You know I don't want you to burn your clit off.

Right, no, I do love it as a good like vulva massager. Like I never realized how much much tension there is like just around, like the inner part of your pelvis, and just being able to hit it with the Theragun, oh man, yeah, like sometimes I'll just be like honey, I don't need to come, I just need you to like around the edges, like can you do that?

Yeah, I actually heard about it from, like, I had a Theragun but didn't think to do this myself. And then I was listening to Nicole Byers podcast and she, I think, was joking about it it.

But I was like and it's been great they say in the sex toy if you're brave enough right exactly this is so fun, victoria.

Thank you so much having me so tell everyone where they can find you and, uh, the names of your books, where you'd prefer that they purchase those all that fun stuff you can find me probably the easiest is just instagram at victoria nachos, um, I'm not, yeah, I guess I ditched. I ditched twitter after elon, so and like, I'm on threads, but again same victoria nachos, pretty much anywhere is victoria nachos, um, my two books the first one is they don't, so they don't have to be read like one before the other, but they are chronological. So if you read love poems for butchers, it's not poetry. Short stories about sex and dating, orgasms, jizz you know the whole shebang, um, so that's called love poems for butchers, um. And my second book is called dating well, feminist, um, and they are both, uh, I mean, basically amazon has the monopoly on shipping, so it's like just buy them from Amazon, like, and that's the easiest. Or, if you know me in person, pick up a copy for me, but otherwise it's like just get it from Amazon, because it would cost me more to ship it to you, etc. Yeah, and that's pretty much it.

So my two books and then hopefully the third book will be the real page turner when things get good. But yeah, so they're, and you know they're basically like hurt. You know you'll cry, you'll laugh, you'll be disappointed, you'll be excited. It's a whole range of just like dating. It's a roller coaster and your website, victorianachos. That has say to anyone. So the paid stuff is basically the stories from my book, but if you were to subscribe now you would still buy the book. You know like it's sort of like, depending on when you subscribe, it's better.

That's awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah, all right, so you all can find us on the socials, except for Twitter. For the same reason, fuck.

Elon Musk At Big Sexy Chat. Elon Musk at Big Sexy Chat. And if you want to send us an email, you can do so at sexy at bigsexychatcom, and we love it if you tell your friends. If you like, if you subscribe, if you write a review, if you share, just click on the content. If you post something on Facebook, make it four words as a comment, and that gets us a better algorithm, just all the nonsense that goes with that. We'd appreciate that and we want to thank you so much, victoria. I'm sure that we're going to have a second go around and bring you back on and have more conversation, because I have a feeling, once this hits, everybody's going to be like well, what about this? Well, what about that? So we will be in contact with you and keep you close by, but I'm going to start out by saying see you later, alligator, after a while. Crocodile, see you soon, you big, beautiful baboon.